Coming Out of Retirement

By Michael CollinsMay 23, 2008, 4:00 pm
Editor's note: Michael Collins has been a stand-up comedian for 15 years and has more than seven years experience as a professional caddie. He currently covers the PGA TOUR as a correspondent with XM Satellite Radio and takes his turn on The Turn Mondays on GOLF CHANNEL.
Two parties, a pro-am, and a question that is still haunting me:
At THE PLAYERS Rory Sabatini comes up to me and tells me hes having a party on the Tuesday of Colonial and would like me to attend. I tell him as long as my flight gets in on time Ill swing by. Then last week Im at home blowing bubbles with my 17-month-old, which for him is the funniest joke Ive ever told, when John Rollins calls and says hes having a party Tuesday night too. Well now what? Do I tell Rocket about Rorys party? Do I try to make both parties? I know there isnt any bad blood between these guys and theyre both my friends... Hold on Im getting another call.
Its George Lopez, Im putting the band back together.
What time? I ask.
6:45, we go at 8:50.
Ill be there.
Let me decode that golf/comedy conversation:
Its been too long, were a good team, I want my caddy back on the bag.
Missed you, too, bro, Im in.
Meet me at 6:45 am in the lobby of my hotel. Well stop and get coffee and have time to warm up for an 8:50 am tee time.
Ill be there.

Now back to Rocket. I told him that Rory was having a party, too, and because of what time my flight got in the only way I could do both is if they were neighbors. No luck. Opposite ends of town. Now I feel like a heel because I got to blow off one of my friends and I really want to go. Apparently my friendship is a first come, first serve basis, well at least thats what it feels like.
So I text Rory and ask what the dress is for the party and he tells me black pants and a white shirt. ???, was my response. Thats what all the servers are wearing. He responds back. I almost crashed the car I was laughing so hard.
Dont text and drive!
I got him back, though, when I got to the party. I had made a sign out of cardboard that said, Will work for beer on one side and Valet on the other. Looked like I took the sign off a panhandler.
Rorys house is off the hook. In his sons room theres a tube slide that goes behind the walls, and his daughter has a disco ball in her playroom. Im never going to change how some people perceive Sabo and Im not going to try. I will tell you what Brett Wright (friend and co-worker) said when we left:
Im going to look at Rory a little different from now on.
I would have appreciated that statement more if Rory didnt have a frozen Margarita machine at his pool bar, but he did so I was only trying to survive Bretts Atlanta-style driving back to the hotel.
Early in the a.m. I see Andy Pronger, KJ Chois caddie, and as we wait for our players he asks me, When are you going to caddie again? Dont you miss it?
Hell yeah I miss it, but I havent missed a cut all year. I dont have to pay for all of my travel and hotel rooms, and I dont have to worry (as much) about getting fired week to week, was my response.
The time comes to meet George at his place in the morning and as soon as we get in the car its like old times again. If you have a friend that regardless of how long you havent spoken or hung out together, as soon as you reunite its like you never missed a beat? Call them after your done reading this; trust me its worth it.
We find out were supposed to be playing with Tony Romo (Dallas Cowboys QB and boyfriend of Jessica Simpson -- I think theyre still together). Get to the golf course and find out that Tony had to pull out. Maybe he found out who he was playing with and chickened out. If you thought the paparazzi was bad, play with a couple of comics who know you tried to qualify for the U.S. Open, and have seen the magazines of you and your girlfriend! Or maybe he just decided mini-camp was more important.
Either way, hes getting ripped all day! We played with Anthony Kim and had a great day! George hit it better than Ive ever seen him hit and the putter got hot early. I read the first three putts and he made all three -- 30-footer, 18-footer, and 15-footer, not a straight putt in the bunch. AK comes up to me on No. 4 and says, Might have to get you on my bag for a week or two the way you read putts. Whyd you stop caddying? Dont you miss it?
AAAAAAWWWWW, MAN! Going to have to talk to Major (my 17-month-old) about Daddy getting back on a bag. I think as long as I keep blowing bubbles for him, hell be fine with it.
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