My Club My Rules

By Michael CollinsAugust 29, 2008, 4:00 pm
Im writing this listening to the Democratic National Convention and I hate politics. Despise everything about it. I even hate the term politically correct. Im not a Democrat or a Republican; I'm a Right. A what? A Right, because doing the right thing isnt politics, its just right. So Ive made some tough decisions:
 
Gas is not expensive yet; I'm going to make it $6.50 a gallon but I'm gonna charge oil companies $5 a gallon to put it in gas stations. Anyone who drives an SUV and has never driven in the BAJA 2000 owes everyone who doesn't drive an SUV a dollar.
 
Everyone who wants to send all the illegal immigrants back to Mexico has to spend two years picking vegetables for $5 an hour so a head of lettuce won't cost me $30. And everyone who ONLY plays at private country clubs in designer clothes with the newest clubs and a staff golf bag, but plays to a 15 or higher handicap, has to work for a year on a ground crew of a muni course.
 
Im opening a private golf club: The Goat Patch (the irony is the course is gonna be immaculate). No long pants, no golf shoes, no shirts with collars that are under 8 years old. If you show up at my club with nice pants, a brand new $180 shirt, and shiny new golf shoes, youll be escorted to the locker room where youll be given a pair of cotton gym shorts, a t-shirt with a cartoon goat on the front of it, and a pair of flip flops.
 
Ill let you have your new set of clubs, but if you show up with a staff bag itll be put back in the trunk of your car and an old canvas carry bag will be issued. I will have electric carts and pull carts. Monday, Wednesday and Friday beautiful girls will work at the course. Tuesday and Thursday ... male models. Saturday and Sunday male models on the front nine, female models on the back.
 
Im going to be open to the public on Saturday, but the rules all apply. Im going to have caddies available for all who want them ' free for members, but public has to pay $50 a round for caddie services. And the caddies are going to be dressed to kill: silk shorts, top of the line golf shirts, and new sneakers or golf shoes (whichever they prefer).
 
Im going to have a $5 million tournament for PGA TOUR caddies, and their player has to caddie for them. And if the player says, No Im going to go 60 Minutes on him, well roll up to them with a camera crew as they get out of that courtesy car and say, We hear you wont caddie for your caddie in the Caddie Path Open ... comments?
 
Uhhh, well I have a bad back, and my feet hurt.
 
Do your caddies feet hurt? Isnt he wearing a back brace?
 
No comment.
 
Youre probably asking what it would prove. Nothing. But think of how much fun it would be to enjoy the game. It doesnt matter what kind of clubs you hit or what brand of clothes you wear, you just need a great course in beautiful weather around friends.
 
Last week I heard some discouraging talk around the 18th hole before the playoff started at The Barclays.
 
Thank goodness its Vijay and Sergio, someone said. Really? What if it had been Kevin Sutherland and Kevin Streelman? Youre telling me that wouldnt have been great golf on a great course, too? Maybe its just me, but I love the game so much that when a couple of unsung monkey wrenches (because we all know thats what the BIG people in the BIG buildings were thinking) have the potential to battle it out for their first title, the fact that it wouldve happened in the first playoff event of 08 makes it even cooler to me.
 
But I love the little guy, the underdog who no one sees coming. The one who just keeps plugging along, in flip-flops, shorts, and an old t-shirt. I wonder who is going to wear flip-flops and a t-shirt this week at TPC Boston. Im wearing that outfit right now.
 
I REALLY like that golf tournament for caddies; I heard they had one years ago the week of the old BC Open. Ill have three flights: A players like Damon Green (Zach Johnsons caddie) and Lance Ten Broeck (Jesper Parneviks caddie); B players between 8-15 handicap; and finally my group. Well play two rounds (maybe four) at TPC Sawgrass. Maybe well just play a nice Muni nearby.
 
Would you watch TOUR players caddying, getting yelled at by their caddies for giving a bad read or bad yardage? Me, too.
 
Michael Collins has been a stand-up comedian for 15 years and has more than seven years experience as a professional caddie. He currently covers the PGA TOUR as a correspondent with XM Satellite Radio and takes his turn on The Turn Mondays on GOLF CHANNEL. He also has his own Web site, www.funnycaddy.com
 
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    McIlroy 'happy to be back', can 'empathize' with Tiger

    By Associated PressJanuary 16, 2018, 3:50 pm

    ABU DHABI, United Arab Emirates – After a long layoff from golf, Rory McIlroy has some newfound sympathy for Tiger Woods.

    The 28-year-old Northern Irishman is making a comeback at the Abu Dhabi HSBC Championship after ending his season early last year. He has not played a round since the final day of the Alfred Dunhill Links Championship on Oct. 8.

    McIlroy, a four-time major champion who has slipped to No. 11 in the world rankings, last won the Tour Championship on the PGA Tour in September 2016. He injured a rib in his first outing of 2017 – at the South African Open – and felt its after-effects throughout the year.

    McIlroy, who has seven top-five finishes in his last eight starts in Abu Dhabi, said Tuesday he felt mentally low because of his physical issues.

    ''Honestly, I was excited to be done. I could have shut it down after the PGA Championship very easily and taken the rest of the year off, but I didn't. I played six events after that, played OK and had a chance to win one of them,'' McIlroy said. ''But I was just excited to take that time off and get myself just sort of a re-set.''

    Last week, McIlroy also revealed that he has a minor, non-threatening heart condition that needs regular check-ups.

    ''After that 3-plus months of a re-set, I'm very happy to be back. I felt like I needed it physically and mentally. I just felt like it was a little bit of a sabbatical. I've been out here for 10 years, and I want to get ready for the next 10.''

    McIlroy compared his situation to what Woods has been going through.

    ''I've only been through, maybe, not even 5 percent of what he's had to go through. And you can tell from where he was to where he is now mentally, because of physically where he is ... he's a totally different person,'' McIlroy said. ''Of course, I empathize with him, and I know he was in a dark place there for a while. It's just so great to see him out of that and back and excited to be playing golf again.''

    The Abu Dhabi HSBC Championship will be the first of back-to-back events for McIlroy, who is also playing next week in Dubai.

    ''I think the next two weeks will be a big learning curve, just to see where I'm at,'' McIlroy said. ''I'm obviously coming into the events trying to play as well as I can and trying to compete and trying to win, but I think there will definitely be things I'll have to work on going into that stretch in the States.''

    The tournament, which starts Thursday, has attracted some big names, including top-ranked Dustin Johnson, No. 6 Justin Rose, No. 9 Henrik Stenson, No. 14 Paul Casey and No. 15 Matt Kuchar. No. 18 Tommy Fleetwood is the defending champion.

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    Pre-tourney caution be damned: Stenson rides camel

    By Grill Room TeamJanuary 16, 2018, 3:29 pm

    If you were under the impression Henrik Stenson's days of engaging in pre-tournament hijinks at HSBC-sponsored events were over, then you don't know the Swedish Superman.

    Ahead of this week's HSBC Abu Dhabi Golf Championship, the 2016 champion golfer of the year decided to have some fun riding (and pretend-spanking) a camel:

    If you can't imagine any reason Stenson wouldn't get on a camel, we will point you to the WGC-HSBC Champions back in October, when Stenson, Dustin Johnson, Haotong Li and Hideki Matsuyama took place in this hire-wire act:

    Two weeks later, Stenson revealed a rib injury, and a report from the U.K.'s Telegraph stated "that not only was the Shanghai caper to blame, but that Stenson is annoyed about being persuaded to do it in the first place."

    Stenson brushed back at that report in this Instagram post, saying that his "comment about not being Superman was a sarcastic way of saying that I am susceptible to injury like any other athlete and sometimes these things happen when you least expect them. I was pleased to help promote the HSBC Champions and to continue my string of success at the event and I was never forced to do anything. HSBC is a great sponsor to golf worldwide and I am not happy to see them being made responsible for my withdrawal."

    I’m disappointed to have to pre-emptively withdraw from the Nedbank Golf Challenge Hosted by Gary Player, I was looking forward to this important year-end event on the European Tour. At this point I am back home in Orlando waiting to do a scan on my ribs and get the necessary rest. I am still hoping for a quick recovery and have not ruled out playing in Dubai next week at this point. My comment about not being Superman was a sarcastic way of saying that I am susceptible to injury like any other athlete and sometimes these things happen when you least expect them. I was pleased to help promote the HSBC Champions and to continue my string of success at the event and I was never forced to do anything. HSBC is a great sponsor to golf worldwide and I am not happy to see them being made responsible for my withdrawal. The plan as of now will be to participate in the DP World Championship if my body is back to 100%. H

    A post shared by Henrik Stenson (@henrikstenson) on

    And it would appear he genuinely meant those comments, at least enough to get on a camel.

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    Spieth, McIlroy to support Major Champions Invitational

    By Golf Channel DigitalJanuary 16, 2018, 2:25 pm

    Nick Faldo announced Tuesday the creation of the Major Champions Invitational.

    The event, scheduled for March 12-14, is an extension of the Faldo Series and will feature both male and female junior players at Bella Collina in Montverde, Fla.

    Jordan Spieth, Rory Mcllroy, Annika Sorenstam, Adam Scott, Henrik Stenson, Jerry Pate and John Daly have already committed to supporting the event, which is aimed at mentoring and inspiring the next generation of players.  

    “I’m incredibly excited about hosting the Major Champions Invitational, and about the players who have committed to support the event,” Faldo said. “This event will allow major champions to give something back to the game that has given them so much, and hopefully, in time, it will become one of the most elite junior golf events in the world.”

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    Rosaforte: Woods plays with Obama, gets rave reviews

    By Golf Channel DigitalJanuary 16, 2018, 2:15 pm

    Golf Channel insider Tim Rosaforte reports on Tiger Woods’ recent round at The Floridian in Palm City, Fla., alongside President Barack Obama.

    Check out the video, as Rosaforte says Woods received rave reviews from instructor Claude Harmon.