My Club My Rules

By Michael CollinsAugust 29, 2008, 4:00 pm
Im writing this listening to the Democratic National Convention and I hate politics. Despise everything about it. I even hate the term politically correct. Im not a Democrat or a Republican; I'm a Right. A what? A Right, because doing the right thing isnt politics, its just right. So Ive made some tough decisions:
Gas is not expensive yet; I'm going to make it $6.50 a gallon but I'm gonna charge oil companies $5 a gallon to put it in gas stations. Anyone who drives an SUV and has never driven in the BAJA 2000 owes everyone who doesn't drive an SUV a dollar.
Everyone who wants to send all the illegal immigrants back to Mexico has to spend two years picking vegetables for $5 an hour so a head of lettuce won't cost me $30. And everyone who ONLY plays at private country clubs in designer clothes with the newest clubs and a staff golf bag, but plays to a 15 or higher handicap, has to work for a year on a ground crew of a muni course.
Im opening a private golf club: The Goat Patch (the irony is the course is gonna be immaculate). No long pants, no golf shoes, no shirts with collars that are under 8 years old. If you show up at my club with nice pants, a brand new $180 shirt, and shiny new golf shoes, youll be escorted to the locker room where youll be given a pair of cotton gym shorts, a t-shirt with a cartoon goat on the front of it, and a pair of flip flops.
Ill let you have your new set of clubs, but if you show up with a staff bag itll be put back in the trunk of your car and an old canvas carry bag will be issued. I will have electric carts and pull carts. Monday, Wednesday and Friday beautiful girls will work at the course. Tuesday and Thursday ... male models. Saturday and Sunday male models on the front nine, female models on the back.
Im going to be open to the public on Saturday, but the rules all apply. Im going to have caddies available for all who want them ' free for members, but public has to pay $50 a round for caddie services. And the caddies are going to be dressed to kill: silk shorts, top of the line golf shirts, and new sneakers or golf shoes (whichever they prefer).
Im going to have a $5 million tournament for PGA TOUR caddies, and their player has to caddie for them. And if the player says, No Im going to go 60 Minutes on him, well roll up to them with a camera crew as they get out of that courtesy car and say, We hear you wont caddie for your caddie in the Caddie Path Open ... comments?
Uhhh, well I have a bad back, and my feet hurt.
Do your caddies feet hurt? Isnt he wearing a back brace?
No comment.
Youre probably asking what it would prove. Nothing. But think of how much fun it would be to enjoy the game. It doesnt matter what kind of clubs you hit or what brand of clothes you wear, you just need a great course in beautiful weather around friends.
Last week I heard some discouraging talk around the 18th hole before the playoff started at The Barclays.
Thank goodness its Vijay and Sergio, someone said. Really? What if it had been Kevin Sutherland and Kevin Streelman? Youre telling me that wouldnt have been great golf on a great course, too? Maybe its just me, but I love the game so much that when a couple of unsung monkey wrenches (because we all know thats what the BIG people in the BIG buildings were thinking) have the potential to battle it out for their first title, the fact that it wouldve happened in the first playoff event of 08 makes it even cooler to me.
But I love the little guy, the underdog who no one sees coming. The one who just keeps plugging along, in flip-flops, shorts, and an old t-shirt. I wonder who is going to wear flip-flops and a t-shirt this week at TPC Boston. Im wearing that outfit right now.
I REALLY like that golf tournament for caddies; I heard they had one years ago the week of the old BC Open. Ill have three flights: A players like Damon Green (Zach Johnsons caddie) and Lance Ten Broeck (Jesper Parneviks caddie); B players between 8-15 handicap; and finally my group. Well play two rounds (maybe four) at TPC Sawgrass. Maybe well just play a nice Muni nearby.
Would you watch TOUR players caddying, getting yelled at by their caddies for giving a bad read or bad yardage? Me, too.
Michael Collins has been a stand-up comedian for 15 years and has more than seven years experience as a professional caddie. He currently covers the PGA TOUR as a correspondent with XM Satellite Radio and takes his turn on The Turn Mondays on GOLF CHANNEL. He also has his own Web site,
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