New Years Resolutions

By Michael CollinsDecember 18, 2007, 5:00 pm
PGA Tour (75x100) Editor's note: Michael Collins has been a stand-up comedian for 15 years and has more than seven years experience as a professional caddie. He currently covers the PGA TOUR as a correspondent with XM Satellite Radio and takes his turn on The Turn Tuesdays on GOLF CHANNEL.
 
Lets start with the HBIC (Head Brotha In Charge), Tiger Woods. Even if Santa Claus tried to skip his house this Christmas, Tigerd probably knock the fat man out of his moving sleigh with a 1-iron and jack all the presents for himself. And thered be nothing any of us could do about it. Then next year Santad have even more presents for the little boys on tour and the same thing would happen again. Wed still watch in awe, though.
 
New Years resolutions for Tiger: this year I will win all four majors, and finally shut those knuckleheads up who keep saying I will eventually be the best of all time. I AM THE BEST, so sit back and enjoy it or Ill knock Santa off his sleigh again.
 
Now Phil, who normally eats all the coal left by Tiger Claus (and still smiles while chewing it)gave everyone an early gift during the Playoffs (that were supposed to suck) by not only going toe-to-toe with him, but beating him! And that beating in Boston AGAIN gave everyone in the press hope for more duels like it in 08.
 
New Years resolutions for Phil: I will keep Tiger from winning all four majors. I will win the FedExCup. And I will throw Tim Finchem under the bus again on TV if he doesnt help me out when I ask for a little break.
 
Vijay Singh - 4.7 million, 2 wins, 27 events priceless. Veej battled injuries this year, some of which were never publicized. He made serious swing changes towards the end of the year, including during the Playoffs and it definitely showed with the amount of cuts he missed (11). Weve never seen Vijay like this before and a lot of people will blame his strenuous workouts.
 
I say bull, but here are my New Years resolutions for Vijay: I will only play 22 events this year. I will take more time off this year than I ever have. I will still work out as hard as ever. But I am going to find out if time off means more wins and a healthier FUTURE. This resolution is only for one year cause if it doesnt work Im playing in at least 30 events in 09 after I beat the hell out of the guy who wrote this.
 
Ernie Els spent the year being told he came back too early and was playing hurt. Fifteen cuts made out of 16 events and 10 top-10s. Ho, Ho, Ho!! yelled Ernie as Santas sleigh runners ran over the media idiots necks. No one is used to seeing Ernie 20th on the money list and I dont know one person who thinks he wont get a win next year. Even with your own private jet ' and it is a SWEET jet ' all that world travel has got to get a little old. So Ernies resolutions go like this: This year Im going to play 20 events here in the U.S., but Im only going to play six overseas (not including The Open). Im going to contend for the FedExCup and get back in the top 5 on the money list. Then Im going back to my normal schedule in 09 and NO ONE WILL QUESTION ME ABOUT IT!!
 
John Daly, everything that could go wrong Murphys Law didnt just hit him, it smacked him. Bad bounces, pictures flash causes injury, food poisoning, even a beat down from your spouse! Maybe you should ask Santa for a room with peace in it. Through it all, we the fans, still forgive you, love you and believe in you. Heres my New Years resolutions for you, John Daly: This year I will forgive myself for all of my past. I will love myself for who I am in the morning. And I will keep the people around me who dont tell me what I want to hear or whats best for them, but tell me whats best for me. Oh, and Ill win again because I can.
 
Rory Sabbatini Santas coming and hes got a new sleigh. When he stops at Rorys house, Rory goes up on the roof and says, The old sleigh was better. All the reindeer gasp in front of Santa. But when they get back to the North Pole they ALL call Rory and say, Man, thats what I wanted to say. Santa still leaves Rory some very nice gifts and even puts some of the old stuff on the new sleigh. Theres no moral to that story; it just seems to fit. Sabo is now the 11th-ranked player in the world and will be in the top 10 next year.
 
My New Years resolutions for Rory: I will keep on saying how I feel even when the truth hurts. Because if I have spinach in my teeth when Im talking to you, TELL ME. I will respect you and consider you a friend. Turn it around. If I didnt tell you, what would that make me? Some people dont appreciate my attitude HAHAHA! My wife, kids, and friends love me, and some guy named Mike Collins. Do I really need your approval?
 
My Holiday Wishes for the Fans (of which I am a part, too)! I wish for MORE of what happened in 07. More Cinderella stories: Paul Goydos winning Sony, Fred Funk at 50 winning Mayakoba, Brian Bateman winning the Buick. I want more young bucks coming out with no fear to win for the first time: Charley Hoffman, Boo Weekly, Nick Watney, Hunter Mahan, Joe Oglivie and Brandt Snedeker. I wish for even more comeback stories. Not just like Steve Stricker, who, by the way, won Comeback Player of the Year TWO YEARS IN A ROW! And NO ONE can argue it as wrong. But I wish for more stuff like Rocco finishing second at Bay Hill AFTER deciding to be broadcaster cause his back was so bad.
 
And my personal favorite, not just because I was there calling it shot-for-shot but ' OK maybe a little bit because of that ' but mostly because of the electricity in the air from the crowd. Jay Williamson didnt win the Travelers Championship but the rollercoaster ride he and Hunter Mahan went on during the back nine on Sunday and then in the playoff was legendary. Jay walked over to me between 15 and 16 and said, Isnt this guy gonna miss ONE shot?! And I said to him, Just keep those little legs kicking! He smiled because earlier in the week he said he felt like a baby duck paddling upstream. And wouldnt you know it, Hunter missed a couple shots coming in and Jay almost won in a playoff. And as the tears came down his wifes face, not from disappointment but from pride for the fight in her husband, I realized that I had just seen Rocky 1 on the golf course. I dont know how many people saw it or heard it, but those who did appreciated it. I wish for more of that for all of us because sometimes its the guys you didnt know who end up showing you something the big names never could ' Getting up after failure.
 
My New Years resolutions: I will be true to you, the fans. I will not puff my chest out and pretend to know all the answers. I will apologize when I am wrong, and I will not get too high on myself when I am right. I will try my best to bring you a little piece of the TOUR that no one else will, from a perspective that no one else has. I will try to make you laugh and try not to make you cry, even though thats OK sometimes. I will tell you as much as I can without hurting anyone, because youd want me to do the same for you if it was your life I was writing about. And if you have questions, ask and I will tell you what I know. Im new at this writing thing so my resolution is to get better at it every week next year.
 
Have a wonderful and blessed holiday season.
 
See ya in Maui. Please keep hands and feet inside at all times ITS GONNA BE A RIDE!
 
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    Koepka (wrist) likely out until the Masters

    By Ryan LavnerJanuary 19, 2018, 9:08 pm

    Defending U.S. Open champion Brooks Koepka is expected to miss at least the next two months because of a torn tendon in his left wrist.

    Koepka, who suffered a partially torn Extensor Carpi Ulnaris (ECU), is hoping to return in time for the Masters.

    In a statement released by his management company, Koepka said that doctors are unsure when the injury occurred but that he first felt discomfort at the Hero World Challenge, where he finished last in the 18-man event. Playing through pain, he also finished last at the Tournament of Champions, after which he underwent a second MRI that revealed the tear.

    Koepka is expected to miss the next eight to 12 weeks.

    “I am frustrated that I will now not be able to play my intended schedule,” Koepka said. “But I am confident in my doctors and in the treatment they have prescribed, and I look forward to teeing it up at the Masters. … I look forward to a quick and successful recovery.”

    Prior to the injury, Koepka won the Dunlop Phoenix and cracked the top 10 in the world ranking. 

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    Cut Line: Color Rory unafraid of the Ryder Cup

    By Rex HoggardJanuary 19, 2018, 7:09 pm

    In this week’s edition, Rory McIlroy gets things rolling with some early Ryder Cup banter, Dustin Johnson changes his tune on a possible golf ball roll-back, and the PGA Tour rolls ahead with integrity training.


    Made Cut

    Paris or bust. Rory McIlroy, who made his 2018 debut this week on the European Tour, can be one of the game’s most affable athletes. He can also be pointed, particularly when discussing the Ryder Cup.

    Asked this week in Abu Dhabi about the U.S. team, which won the last Ryder Cup and appears to be rejuvenated by a collection of new players, McIlroy didn’t disappoint.

    “If you look at Hazeltine and how they set the course up – big, wide fairways, no rough, pins in the middle of greens – it wasn’t set up for the way the Europeans like to play,” McIlroy said. “I think Paris will be a completely different kettle of fish, so different.”

    McIlroy has come by his confidence honestly, having won three of the four Ryder Cups he’s played, so it’s understandable if he doesn't feel like an underdog heaidng to Paris.

    “The Americans have obviously been buoyant about their chances, but it’s never as easy as that,” he said. “The Ryder Cup is always close. It always comes down to a few key moments, and it will be no different in Paris. I think we’ll have a great team and it definitely won’t be as easy as they think it’s going to be.”

    September can’t get here quick enough.

    Mr. Spieth goes to Ponte Vedra Beach. The Tour announced this year’s player advisory council, the 16-member group that works with the circuit’s policy board to govern.

    There were no real surprises to the PAC, but news that Jordan Spieth had been selected to run for council chair is interesting. Spieth, who is running against Billy Hurley III and would ascend to the policy board next year if he wins the election, served on the PAC last year and would make a fine addition to the policy board, but it is somewhat out of character for a marquee player.

    In recent years, top players like Spieth have largely avoided the distractions that come with the PAC and policy board. Of course, we’ve also learned in recent years that Spieth is not your typical superstar.


    Made Cut-Did Not Finish (MDF)

    On second thought. In December at the Hero World Challenge, Dustin Johnson was asked about a possible golf ball roll-back, which has become an increasingly popular notion in recent years.

    “I don't mind seeing every other professional sport. They play with one ball. All the pros play with the same ball,” he said in the Bahamas. “I think there should be some kind of an advantage for guys who work on hitting it far and getting that speed that's needed, so having a ball, like the same ball that everyone plays, there's going to be, you're going to have more of an advantage.”

    The world No. 1 appeared to dial back that take this week in Abu Dhabi, telling BBC Sport, “It's not like we are dominating golf courses. When was the last time you saw someone make the game too easy?”

    Maybe it didn’t feel that way, but DJ’s eight-stroke romp two weeks ago at the Sentry Tournament of Champions certainly looked pretty easy.

    Long odds. I had a chance to watch the Tour’s 15-minute integrity training video that players have been required view and came away with a mixture of confusion and concern.

    The majority of the video, which includes a Q&A element, focuses on how to avoid match fixing. Although the circuit has made it clear there is no indication of current match fixing, it’s obviously something to keep an eye on.

    The other element that’s worth pointing out is that although the Tour may be taking the new program seriously, some players are not.

    “My agent watched [the training video] for me,” said one Tour pro last week at the Sony Open.


    Missed Cut

    Groundhog Day. To be fair, no one expected Patton Kizzire and James Hahn to need six playoff holes to decide last week’s Sony Open, but the episode does show why variety is the spice of life.

    After finishing 72 holes tied at 17 under, Kizzire and Hahn played the 18th hole again and again and again and again. In total, the duo played the par-5 closing hole at Waialae Country Club five times (including in regulation play) on Sunday.

    It’s worth noting that the playoff finally ended with Kizzire’s par at the sixth extra hole, which was the par-3 17th. Waialae’s 18th is a fine golf hole, but in this case familiarity really did breed contempt.

    Tweet of the week:

    It was a common theme last Saturday on Oahu after an island-wide text alert was issued warning of an inbound ballistic missile and advising citizens to “seek immediate shelter.”

    The alert turned out to be a mistake, someone pushed the wrong button during a shift change, but for many, like Peterson, it was a serious lesson in perspective.

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    Watch: McIlroy gives Fleetwood a birthday cake

    By Golf Channel DigitalJanuary 19, 2018, 2:58 pm

    Tommy Fleetwood turned 27 on Friday. He celebrated with some good golf – a 4-under 68 in Abu Dhabi, leaving him only two shots back in his title defense – and a birthday cake, courtesy of Rory Mcllroy.

    While giving a post-round interview, Fleetwood was surprised to see McIlroy approaching with a cake in hand.

    “I actually baked this before we teed off,” McIlroy joked.

    Fleetwood blew out the three candles – “three wishes!” – and offered McIlroy a slice.  

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    DJ shoots 64 to surge up leaderboard in Abu Dhabi

    By Ryan LavnerJanuary 19, 2018, 1:48 pm

    Dustin Johnson stood out among a star-studded three-ball that combined to shoot 18 under par with just one bogey Friday at the Abu Dhabi HSBC Championship.

    Shaking off a sloppy first round at Abu Dhabi Golf Club, Johnson matched the low round of the day with a 64 that put him within four shots of Thomas Pieters’ lead.

    “I did everything really well,” Johnson said. “It was a pretty easy 64.”

    Johnson made four bogeys during an even-par 72 on Thursday and needed a solid round Friday to make the cut. Before long, he was closer to the lead than the cut line, making birdie on three of the last four holes and setting the pace in a group that also included good rounds from Rory McIlroy (66) and Tommy Fleetwood (68).

    “Everyone was hitting good shots,” McIlroy said. “That’s all we were seeing, and it’s nice when you play in a group like that. You feed off one another.” 


    Full-field scores from the Abu Dhabi HSBC Championship


    Coming off a blowout victory at Kapalua, Johnson is searching for his first regular European Tour title. He tied for second at this event a year ago.

    Johnson’s second-round 64 equaled the low round of the day (Jorge Campillo and Branden Grace). 

    “It was just really solid all day long,” Johnson said. “Hit a lot of great shots, had a lot of looks at birdies, which is what I need to do over the next two days if I want to have a chance to win on Sunday.”