No Football No Problem

By Michael CollinsFebruary 13, 2008, 5:00 pm
Editor's note: Michael Collins has been a stand-up comedian for 15 years and has more than seven years experience as a professional caddie. He currently covers the PGA TOUR as a correspondent with XM Satellite Radio and takes his turn on The Turn Mondays on GOLF CHANNEL.
 
Well boys and girls, now that football season is over golf is all we've got! March Madness doesn't start for another month, and no one really cares about college basketball until tournament time. That means right now is when those of you in the northern and middle parts of the country (ALL of Canada is included) are turning on the TV and HATING on the PGA TOUR.
 
Last week Pebble Beach had its best weather in years (thank goodness I'm an idiot and took the week off because I was sure it was gonna be nasty). This week the boys are in Los Angeles and just in time for the writers strike post party! Thank God, too, I was having a hard time NOT being funny (I heard that snicker ya smart a--es!).
 
So I've gotten a lot of great emails from all of you wanting me to write about various subjects. Most requested of all is wanting to know what it's like for the middle of the pack players out here on TOUR as far as travel and expenses go. How glamorous is it? What do the regular guys do off the course? Etc., etc.
 
Here goes my best shot at it:
 
Now, there's a bunch of different types of guys out on TOUR, married with kids, married, engaged, girlfriend, and single.
 
Let s start with the married with children fellas. These guys have it the hardest, especially if the kid(s) are under school age because mommy doesn't want to stay home with the kids while daddy is out partying. Even though daddy's not really out partying, that's how mommy feels being stuck at home with a couple of screaming kids, and when daddy calls and says he's just getting ready to sit down at a restaurant with a couple of players and caddies.
 
The problem is, for the guy who is just inside that top 125 number, you don't wanna spend the money on flying the wife and kids around because it gets REALLY expensive - it can cost over $150K depending on how many kids you ve got (and it's a NIGHTMARE for a woman to fly alone with kids). And you just can't go blowing through the endorsement money which won't come close to covering all the expenses for the year. You might not be back next year so you gotta squirrel that cash dude!
 
So what do you do? Well, some guys buy a bus/RV. It's relatively inexpensive - $300k for a nice one (yes, I ve been in a couple of the $2 million ones) that the family can live out of, and if you have to go back to the Nationwide Tour the next year you've got it covered. There are a bunch of guys that do that and park next to each other so the wives and kids can play together while daddy's at work . Wives love it 'cause they don't have to find laundry mats, kid friendly restaurants, and the other guys you're parking next too and hanging out with are going through the exact same thing that you are.
 
Upside: your house is with you, home cooked meals, no packing and unpacking every week. Downside: No 'you' time; miss a cut and there's no pack up and start fresh somewhere else; you may NEVER EVER complain about a bad meal; and what, go out with the boys - I dare you to try!
 
Married guys with no kids have it a little better ($150K-450K expenses per year). Wife travels with them to some of the tournaments; DON'T bring 'em to the events where you have an ex-girlfriend. You can go out to dinner, parties, movies and always have a date.
 
Upside: Your soulmate is by your side every step of the way. Downside: Some soulmates are A LOT more expensive than others. Depending on the crew your wife runs with out on TOUR, she could start spending more than you're making; and when you're not particularly playing well that advice she gives could make you wanna hide her body in the trunk of your courtesy car. You can't just tell your wife to go home and get a damn job!
 
Engaged guys ($100k-$200k): They are heading towards the same boat as the married guys but THEY really believe that their girl is gonna be different than the OTHER married guys girlfriends. I ve only met one so far that may hold true for, but only time will tell.
 
Single guys with girlfriends ($90k-$150k): This may be the second hardest of all the guys on tour. Why you ask? OK, let's say you're a rookie on TOUR. Fly your girlfriend out - $450; stay in a nice hotel suite for the week - $1500; restaurants, room service and entertainment - $1000; meeting a chick at the tournament that's even better looking and wants to hook up with you at the next event when she's not out with you - PRICELESS! See, every week your girlfriend is not out with you, really hot girls are gonna try and hook up when you're out with the fellas (and most caddies will not help the situation as they're trying to hook up with her good looking friend) and you have to behave because she's gonna call and ask how your days been and if she hears girls or a bar atmosphere in the backround, well you better have a jewelers that delivers on speed dial. Or maybe you kept that other girls number!
 
Single and ready to mingle!! ($80k-$130k) The hardest thing for a single guy out on TOUR is remembering to play golf. So many distractions - and not just girls; club manufactures, clothing reps, and even other guys who've been out for a while. It is so hard to remember what got you out on TOUR when everyone and they're mom is telling you that your poop doesn t stink anymore and you are gonna get to try the newest, secret, shaft, club, ball, putter, blah, blah, blah. And yes the women. WELCOME TO THE BUFFET!!!!
 
You know what? Even at the bottom - even if you only last a year out on tour - it was still a great ride!
 
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  • Day (68) just one back at Australian Open

    By Nick MentaNovember 24, 2017, 6:40 am

    Jason Day posted a second-round 68 to move himself just one off the lead held by Lucas Herbert through two rounds at the Emirates Australian Open. Here’s where things stand after 36 holes in Sydney.

    Leaderboard: Herbert (-9), Day (-8), Cameron Davis (-7), Anthony Quayle (-6), Matt Jones (-4), Cameron Smith (-4), Nick Cullen (-4), Richard Green (-4)

    What it means: Day is in search of his first worldwide victory of 2017. The former world No. 1 last visited the winner’s circle in May 2016, when he won The Players at TPC Sawgrass. A win this week would close out a difficult year for the Aussie who struggled with his game while also helping his mother in her battle with cancer. Day’s last victory on his native soil came in 2013, when he partnered with Adam Scott to win the World Cup of Golf for Australia at Royal Melbourne.


    Full-field scores from the Emirates Australian Open


    Round of the day: Herbert followed an opening 67 with a round of 66 to vault himself into the lead at The Australian Golf Club. He made six birdies, including four on his second nine, against a lone bogey to take the outright lead. The 22-year-old, who held the lead at this event last year and captured low-amateur honors in 2014, is coming off a runner-up finish at the NSW Open Championship, which boosted him from 714th to 429th in the Official World Golf Ranking. His 5-under score was matched by Dale Brandt-Richards and Josh Cabban.

    Best of the rest: Matt Jones, who won this event over Jordan Spieth and Adam Scott two years ago, turned in 4-under 67. Jones is best known to American audiences for his playoff victory at the 2014 Shell Houston Open and for holding the 36-hole lead at the 2015 PGA Championship at Whistling Straits, which was eventually won by Day. Jones will start the weekend five shots off the lead, at 4 under par.

    Biggest disappointment: Spieth has a lot of work to do this weekend if he expects to be in the title picture for the fourth year in a row. Rounds of 70-71 have him eight shots behind the lead held by Herbert. Spieth made a birdie and a bogey on each side Friday to turn in level par. The reigning champion golfer of the year has finished first, second and first at this event over the last three years.

    Storyline to watch this weekend: The Australian Open is the first event of the 2018 Open Qualifying Series. The leading three players who finish in the top 10 and who are not otherwise exempt will receive invites into next summer’s Open Championship at Carnoustie.

    Ogilvy urges distance rollback of ball

    By Golf Channel DigitalNovember 23, 2017, 8:49 pm

    Add Geoff Ogilvy to the chorus of voices calling for a distance rollback of the golf ball.

    In an interview before the start of the Emirates Australian Open, Ogilvy said a "time-out" is needed for governing bodies to deal with the issue.

    "It's complete nonsense," he said, according to an Australian website. "In my career, it’s gone from 300 yards was a massive hit to you’re a shorter hitter on tour now, legitimately short. It’s changed the way we play great golf courses and that is the crime. It isn’t that the ball goes 400, that’s neither here nor there. It’s the fact the ball going 400 doesn’t makes Augusta work properly, it functions completely wrong.’’


    Full-field scores from the Emirates Australian Open


    Ogilvy used an example from American baseball to help get his point across to an Australian audience.

    “Major League Baseball in America, they use wooden bats, and everywhere else in baseball they use aluminium bats,’’ he said. “And when the major leaguers use aluminium bats they don’t even have to touch it and it completely destroys their stadiums. It’s just comedy.

    “That’s kind of what’s happened to us at least with the drivers of these big hitters; We’ve completely outgrown the stadiums. So do you rebuild every stadium in the world? That’s expensive. Or make the ball go shorter? It seems relatively simple from that perspective.’’

    Ogilvy, an Australian who won the 2006 U.S. Open, said he believes there will be a rollback, but admitted it would be a "challenge" for manufacturers to produce a ball that flies shorter for pros but does not lose distance when struck by recreational players.

    The golf world celebrates Thanksgiving

    By Golf Channel DigitalNovember 23, 2017, 6:01 pm

    Here's a look, through social media, at how the golf world celebrates Thanksgiving.

    Lexi Thompson:

    Baking time!!

    A post shared by Lexi Thompson (@lexi) on

    David Feherty:

    Jack Nicklaus:

    GC Tiger Tracker:

    Steve Stricker:

    Golf Channel:

    Frank Nobilo:

    Ian Poulter:

    Tyrone Van Aswegen:

    Happy Thanksgiving: Biggest turkeys of 2017

    By Grill Room TeamNovember 23, 2017, 3:00 pm

    Thanksgiving brings us golf's biggest turkeys of the year. Donald Trump, Grayson Murray and a certain (now-former) tournament director headline the list. Click here or on the image below to check out all the turkeys.