A Golf Declaration of Independence


Electronically assembled

When in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one People to dissolve the habits of thought and action that have connected it with an Ancient and Honorable Game, and to assume among other Sports of the Earth, the separate and exalted station to which said Game is entitled, a decent respect to the Opinions of Golfers requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to such changes.
We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Golfers are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator and the starter with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are reasonable greens fees, no less than 10-minute tee time intervals, and raked bunkers.
That to secure these Rights, Ruling Bodies are instituted among golfers and manufacturers, deriving their just Powers from the Consent of the Governed ' so they should do whatever they can to harmonize their game promotion and protection goals with what the governed want (and just to show theres no need to fling the iced tea mix into the harbor, let us Give Credit Where Due when said Ruling Bodies have made such honest efforts.)
Further, We the Golfers declare our independence from the following:
The tyranny of the Upscale Daily Fee (much worse than taxation without representation);
Modern course designs that include too many trees and areas from which the ball is unrecoverable, thereby discouraging beginners and those who cannot devote to the purchase of golf balls the amount the French spend on butter;
Cart-only courses, which rob us of rhythm and exercise;
The idea that our enjoyment of the game depends in every circumstance upon The Next Big Thing from equipment manufacturers;
The idea that equipment companies are ramming needless technology down our throats every 12 months;
The idea that the two paragraphs above are mutually exclusive;
The temptation to demean the LPGA by using sex to sell it, even if that would mean continued mediocre popularity levels for that league;
Metal spikes;
The idea that the only acceptable number of holes people can play is nine or 18;
Exclusivity, snootiness, sexism, intimidation, sneering, leering or any other behavior that discourages anyone from playing;
Equipment regulation debates that make the game seem to outsiders more like a Congressional committee hearing than a pleasant recreation;
The S-word, the yips, chili-dipping, chunking, scooping, thinning, hitting it fat, and slicing;
Long, pompous speeches by the starter about the rules, regulations and assorted no-nos at Something or Other Hills G &CC;
Slow play;
That minority of environmentalists who dont seem to want to understand what everyone else does: That a responsibly managed golf course provides immense environmental benefits, and usually a number of important micro-ecosystems;
Wall-to-wall green disease, which infects the mind with the notion that green is the only suitable color for golf courses or to hit from, and which wastes millions of gallons of water;
The arrogance of some better players;
The obnoxious posturing of some not-so-good players;
A host of other things well think of sooner or later.
And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on each others GHIN cards, we mutually pledge three a side and all wagers to be settled in the bar after the round.
JOHN HANCOCK, Signer of Big Documents