Mr. Barr, what are your qualifications? Do you even have a party affiliation?
Im about as qualified as any other candidate. There are a lot of them out there now; I was waiting for a bus the other day when a guy in line behind me declared. Filled up CNN for a solid half hour. Anyway, Im a member of the GOP.
You mean the Grand Old Party? Youre a Republican?
No, I mean the Golf, Our Priority party. We believe that a nation based on the basic principles of fair play and meritocracy found in golf will excel on the world stage.
What would you do, if elected?
Well, first weve got to change some basic laws. Item One: Leaf blowers.
Did you say leaf blowers?
I did, and you would have heard me better if it werent for that yahoo with a leaf blower out there. Dang things make too much noise, and all they do is redistribute the gunk elsewhere. Theyre all over golf courses, firing up in your backswing and making life generally loud. Under my administration, theyll be outlawed. Welcome to the world of rakes, people. A strong country can move the tines.
And thats another thing. Once I get done outlawing one-word questions, well make failure to rake bunkers a federal felony. Leave a footprint and youll be making tracks in the dust in the yard at Leavenworth. And tennis will be the only thing on the prison T.V, and you wont be able to turn it off. Leave a ball mark on the green unfixed, and you have to watch bowling.
Isnt that cruel and unusual punishment?
Thats a constitutional question best left to the Supreme Handicapping Committee.
You mean the Supreme Court.
Not after Im elected. That august body will handle tournament and stroke-distribution matters, as well as executing the sentence for sandbagging.
And what will that be?
Having your eyes locked open and reading only whatever Oprah tells you.
Have you considered any possible nominations for members of your cabinet?
Sure have. Paul Azinger will be Secretary of Cup Defense. Lee Trevino will be Minister of Mirth. Larry Nelson will be in charge of the military. Tom Watson will be my pick to head up the Department of Ballstriking. I also want him to have a special advisory role in the Department of Integrity and Never Giving Up.
Id like to make Lorena Ochoa my chief scrappiness advisor. Padraig Harrington will be head of the new Department of Perspective; no one had a better smile on his face greeting his son on the last green of the Open Championship a moment after he felt like he had lead in the pit of his stomach. The Rules staffs at the USGA, PGA Tour and R&A will become the Joint Chiefs of Relief.
There are a lot more people Ill call on, but for now, lets move on. Yes, over there in the pink plaid.
Will there be golf fashion crimes?
No; were taking a lenient stand on that. Too many people want to see Ian Poulter play in this country. Besides, Darren Clarkes investment in shoes has direct links to the pillars of the Italian economy. Gotta be a responsible world citizen
How about taxation?
Well, interest on loans for golf vacation homes would be deductible for sure. There would be a tax credit for greens fees, especially for people who live in big cities and have a hard time getting to play.
Golf needs to be part of our national curriculum, at all ages. We can be just as productive starting work at 10 a.m., after a lesson or some short game practice. Think outside the box, America.
Come clean, Mr. Barr. Isnt this just one of those Pat Paulsen style joke candidacies that used to distract us from the more serious contenders back in the Sixties and Seventies?
Depends how much money I can raise. Whats your handicap, by the way?
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