Golfs True Effect on the Dow

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By now, all you market watchers have heard of the so-called Tiger Woods Effect, in which financial markets enjoy robust trading the day after Tiger wins a tournament. Supposedly this effect is supportable by evidence, but much the same way wet pavement supports the conclusion of recent rain. The proffered reason is so facile, no one wants to admit the possibility of a street cleaner or a busted hydrant.
 
Still, we here at The Golf Channel are unwilling to completely dismiss what might be a burgeoning force in the market. In a world where day traders can make and lose fortunes in the time it takes their bran flakes to go soggy, who are we to deny the worlds best golfer ' indeed, any golfer ' his due as an influencer of the worlds retirement assets?
 
So we had our crack Golf Central Business Desk research staff (actually Giggles, the hapless intern we intimidate into getting us McFlurries every afternoon) pester the Dow Jones people to determine which golfers really move the index. Herewith, an executive summary (atta boy, Giggles):
 
The David Duval Effect: Mondays after a Duval win, traders on the Big Board and NASDAQ suddenly get a lot smarter, but much more quiet and withdrawn. The desire to spend the afternoon reading overwhelms many. Floor managers stand row upon row in opaque, space-age sunglasses, carefully plotting a select number of trades. High-fat lunches are right out.
 
The Davis Love III Effect: The day after Love wins, Jim Nantz appears on the floor of the NYSE, poised to utter some enthusiastic profundity after a trader cashes out a particularly good deal. A transfer for the ages, or some such thing, adds drama to everyday transactions.
 
The Lefty Effect: On days after Phil Mickelson finishes in the top three at any event, trading is brisk for the whole day, then runs into problems in the last 20 minutes or so. Successful traders wives and children appear on television often.
 
The Sutton Effect: Be the right stock! Be the right stock today!
 
The Calcavecchia Effect: None on trading, really, but everyone holds their pencils in that painful-looking claw grip.
 
The Couples Effect: Nothing major happens, but people make plenty of money. Cell phones ring on the trading floor, but no one answers them. Everyone feels very calm and smooooooth.
 
The Sound Judgment, Invest With Your Head Not Your Heart Effect: Never documented.