The Other Masters

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Who will win the other Masters?
 
While theyre slipping the green jacket onto the form of the tournament winner, factions will be forming their arguments in the other contest that will arise from this years event. Its the tilt over whether the lengthening of the golf course proves anything about the debate on golf ball distance.
 
With all the possible results, it will help to keep a flow chart handy. Here we go:
 
Double-digit under par score wins in good weather. Cries against two-piece distance golf balls rise to deafening crescendo. Elder heads wag while concluding that the grand old courses are out of real estate. Adding 365 yards didnt work, they say. The game is in great danger.
 
Meanwhile, golf ball manufacturers will concentrate on the weather, modern mowing technology, the downhill landing effect of many drives at Augusta National (No. 2 and No. 10, for example), and player fitness.
 
The U.S. Golf Association promises continued work on an Overall Distance Standard. Lawyers sharpen pencils and snap clasps on briefcases eagerly.
 
Six under or worse wins in good weather. American Society of Golf Course Architects feel vindicated; gloating begins about its theory that golf ball was root of problem. Courses seeking majors start moving tees back Masters Monday.
 
Ball makers use this tournament and The Players Championship (won by Craig Perks at '8) to show there wasnt a problem in the first place. Adding the equivalent of a short par 4 at Augusta didnt change much, they say, except to make the National about as long as many tour courses at 7,270 yards.
 
Double-digit under par score wins in windy or trashy weather. Architects and ball opponents howl; even Mother Nature cant play through when these modern proto-pellets are allowed. Ball makers cite soft greens and elite player wind-cheating shot skill.
 
The USGA promises continued work on an Overall Distance Standard. Lawyers sharpen pencils and snap clasps on briefcases eagerly.
 
Six under or worse wins in windy or trashy weather. Ball manufacturers point to weather and say, If we were selling an unfair advantage, it wouldnt be derailed by a little weather, would it? Distance ball opponents say weather masked real problem.
 
The USGA promises continued work on an Overall Distance Standard. Lawyers sharpen pencils and snap clasps on briefcases eagerly.
 
Tiger Woods wins at seven under or better. Architects: Hes amazing, the vanguard of a wave of bergolfer who will soon be hitting driver-spatula into the new, 550-yard par fours that will have to be designed to contain them. Manufacturers: Hes in a class by himself even above the so-called elite players; he bears no relation to the recreational golfer.
 
Tiger wins at six under or worse. Architects: Well, he had two three-putts. Manufacturers: Well, he had two three-putts.
 
Winning score is between even par and three under. No one notices amid widespread reports of flying pigs.
 
Winning score is over par. Whoa. Lets not go crazy here.
 
Any score wins, regardless of how easy or hard the new course is. Consumers shrug and buy the longest ball they can get their hands on.
 
Oh, and the USGA promises continued work on an Overall Distance Standard. Lawyers sharpen pencils and snap clasps on briefcases eagerly.