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Twas the Night Before Driver Wars

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'Twas millennium new, and all through the land,
Golfers said, 'We must grow the game, if we can.'
Rounds played don't increase much, you better believe it,
And as many as come to the game also leave it.
 
The Big Five were nestled all snug in their profits,
While retailers screamed, 'A new driver? Come off it!
Last year, your big driver cost dollars stupendous.
Can driver demand really be so tremendous?'
 
When off in the boardroom, there came a great shout.
Some industry conflict was brewing, no doubt.
I ran with my cameraman into the room,
And found people planning a golf sonic boom.
 
Equipment executives sat side by each
And sought to devise some new tactics to breach
The walls they perceived as a fort in the distance,
Specifically, USGA-type resistance.
 
'More yards off the tee, that's what's good for the game!'
An executive said, and that met with acclaim.
'But how to achieve it, with all of these Rules?
We don't want to look like degenerate fools.'
 
Hereupon up stood Ely, Sir Callaway, he,
And said, 'Just a minute, now. Listen to me.
There's the game that the pros play; that's all well and good.
But golf-for-fun's different, so I'm thinking we should
 
'Build a club that's `illegal,' a little bit hot.
If I don't miss my guess, folks'll like it a lot.'
A moment of silence. The executives thought,
'Y'know, he's been right more often than not.'
 
So Callaway's company and a couple more too
Thinned the face of the drivers they sell me and you,
In the hope that the promise of distance will bring
The traffic that makes the cash registers ring.
 
But in Far Hills, New Jersey, at the very same hour
The men in the blue coats were sullen and dour.
'Hey, we run this game! We'll grow it ourselves!
Remove your hot drivers from all pro shop shelves'
 
Well, they couldn't accomplish a real driver ban,
But they made it quite clear to each woman and man
Who hopes to take part in Rules-based competition
That using such drivers would equal sedition.
 
And as if to make sure matters deepen and thicken
(And a number of USGA poobahs sicken),
The Royal and Ancient reviewed all the clatter
And promptly announced that hot drivers don't matter.
 
So that's where it stands as the holidays open:
Manufacturers plan and the Rules folks are hopin'
Some new brand of harmony soon will emerge
And the wishes of all of golf's rulers converge.
 
And then more intriguing than conflict will be
The new stream of players who head to the tee.
 

Apologies to Clement Clark Moore, and Happy Holidays to all