Products You Might Have Missed

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ORLANDO, Fl.--For the golfer who has everything..there is this stuff:
 
Some of it is cute, some of it is humorous, some of it is clever, some of it is irrelevant and some of it is..well.well let you decide. And then well add our own wiseacre remarks.
 
What all the following products have in common is they are currently on display at the PGA Merchandise Show in Orlando.
 
(bullet) Loud Mouth Golf: This companys product is bad pants. Actually Loud Mouths David Halldorson doesnt think theyre so bad.
 
Theyre magic pants, he said Friday. Electric pants. Fun.
 
A pair of them will set you back $89. And the biggest seller to date is the Disco Balls model which comes in a white or a black background.
 
Comment: These are the only pants this writer has ever seen that should require the wearer to yell Fore when he puts them on.
 
(bullet) Gabby Golfer: The worlds first talking golf club. Its a novelty product. It costs $49.95. Its a full-sized driver. And, no, says Gabby Golfers Karlis Ewing, its not meant to be used on a golf course.
 
The club has an internal tape loop that is set to deliver a phrase every time you swing it. Phrases like, What a slice, making sandwiches? Or Nice hook for fishing.
 
And no, the Gabby Golfer does not come in R or X-rated versions.
 
Comment: Ewing said he wanted to bring the Gabby Golfer to a tryout for Golf Channels Fore Inventors Only show but the product was still in development at the time. People love it, Ewing said of his driver.
 
(bullet) Birdieball: Billed as the most accurate and rewarding practice ball in golf..only flies about 40 yards with every club.
 
Comment: Not sure whats so rewarding about a ball that goes the same distance with every club. But, hey, entrepreneurial spirit is important in these times.
 
(bullet) Cape Madras: Mens and womens pants and shorts and skirts and Capris.
 
Comment: Maybe Cape Madras will expand to tennis. Wouldnt you love to see Rafael Nadal in madras Capris?
 
(bullet) Gem-Dandy Accessories: Tour brand belts, wallets, small leather goods, corporate gifts and hosiery.
 
Comment: Hosiery? Not immediately known whether Gem-Dandies come in a thigh high.
 
(bullet) Go-Go Caddy: This is a detachable mount and rack to carry golf clubs on Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
 
Comment: When its cart paths only I want to see the ranger tough enough to tell a guy on a Harley to get his hog the hell off the fairway.
 
(bullet) Golftini: Womens apparel with the logo of a martini glass.
 
Comment: Best selling color is assumed to be olive.
 
(bullet) Golfoholic: This encompasses a large array of products including apparel, golf bags and fine leather goods.
 
Comment: No truth to industry rumors of an imminent merger between Golftini and Golfoholic (although it might not be a bad idea.)
 
(bullet) L.o.f.t.: Golf duds catering to the average golfer. Target player is the more than 50 million golfers who do not regularly break 100.
 
Comment: Long live the chop.
 
(bullet) Ocean Cleanse: used to detoxing huge amounts of body stress toxins. Product requires a two-gallon tub of tap water to eliminate toxins through the pores of your feet.
 
Comment: Butch Harmon was unavailable for comment.
 
(bullet) Orange Whip Trainer: Its designed to create an athletic swing. Company says its also a great core workout.
 
Comment: Sounded like a Vegas nightclub act at first.
 
(bullet) Paratemps Eccentrique, Inc.: These guys make square umbrellas.
 
Comment: Their timing was good this week since it was raining when the show closed Thursday and when it opened Friday. Am thinking Huey Lewis would be a great endorser of this product: Its Hip To Be Square.
 
(bullet) Teach-N-Towel: Designed to aid players in fundamentals of set-up and alignment and ball placement.
 
Comment: But is it big enough to wrap around your waist if the doorbell rings while youre in the shower?
 

 
(Bullet) Tilley Hats: They are washable, packable and come with a four-page owners manual and free insurance against theft and loss. Guaranteed for life against wearing out.
 
Comment: This is my favorite by far: An insured hat with a users manual. Are you kidding me? Wonder if that covers acts of god, like a big wind.
Email your thoughts to Brian Hewitt