Caddie applies for Rory's bag; 'Rory' gives conditions

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Rory McIlroy may not play competitively until 2018, which gives him plenty of time to sort through the innumerable applications he’s received to carry his bag, currently held by best friend Harry Diamond.

PGA Tour pro Joel Dahmen’s caddie, Geno Bonnalie, tweeted out interest and credentials, and cc’d McIlroy. Dahmen has made six of 15 cuts this season and has one top-10 finish. Bonnalie might seem like an underdog, but he makes some compelling points. The tweet text is a little difficult to read (click here to do so), so we transcribed for you:

Mr. Mcilroy

I would like to formally apply for the position of being your full time caddie. I currently work for Tour Pro Joel Dahmen and have been with him for 3 years. I’ve helped lead Joel to a solo 68th finish at the Reno-Tahoe open, T80 MDF in Puerto Rico, and also helped him make 4 consecutive birdies in the Sanderson Farms Championship. Please don’t think I’m sneaking around behind Joel’s back trying to get another job. I think Joel himself may also be applying for the position.

If you hire me it wouldn’t be awkward at all because we already know each other. We played in front of you on Saturday at the Travelers and during the wait on 4 tee box I asked you if you wanted a water (which you politely declined). So we’re pretty much best friends already.

Things that I excel at as a caddie

-I’m really good with numbers … especially at elevation. What? You want me to take 2% off of 157 yards … BAM. 154. (do you want decimal points? I know you’re good but Joel and I usually work in whole yards.)
-I’m ALWAYS on time. In fact, I’m always way early. I’m typing this on my way to Wyndham where I am 3 hours early at the airport.
-I am an EXCELLENT bunker raker. In fact, I would say I’m one of the best in the world. if they had bunker raking contests on tour, I would lead in every possible statistic.
-once upon a time I was one of the best Archers in the world (as a youth). so I have a weird ability to know exactly how far you are from the pin just by looking at it (inside 70 yards). So if I don’t step anything off, and tell you it’s 58 yards … it’s 58 yards.
-During practice rounds I like making bets on various shots. Joel and I have a running $5 bet on any give shot, and then give odds with the degree of difficulty. I’ve made an extra $370 this year betting on 3 footers. It’s a nice little supplemental income

Things I request from you as a player:

-If we both read a putt to go left and it doesn’t go left. Please don’t yell at me. It’s not like I was trying to sabotage you.
-If we agree on a club, then you chunk the sh** out of it and yell are me for “giving you a bad club” I’ll probably eat it and say “sorry pro”, but please know that in my head I will be thinking something about how you should hit a better shot.
-if it’s our first time playing a course, and you hit one 175 yards off line and immediately ask me “what’s over there” odds are I have no idea.

My shortcomings as a caddie:

-if you make me keep our playing partners score, I sometimes lose track of what they made on a hole because I’m so focused on what we’re doing (see what I did there? Turned a negative in to a positive)
-I’m not sure if I’m any good at tending the pin. In the 3 years I’ve been caddying, I’ve never once tended one. Joel just has me pull it. he says if he can’t see the hole, what are the chances of making it anyway. he kind of knows where it’s at.

Anyway you probably have a lot of follow up questions you’d like to ask me. Go ahead and have your agent get a hold of my agent and I’m sure we can figure something out. 

Are any of those attributes McIlroy would desire in a caddie? Thanks to this solid dub from Golf Central Daily, we now know exactly what “Rory” wants.