Ryder Cup assistant captain application

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By: Sean the Intern

Dear Davis Love III,

Let’s get right to the point: I want to be an assistant captain for your U.S. Ryder Cup team. You need to piece together a very impressive lot to bring the Cup back to the States and I’m concerned about your two recent selections.

We’ll start with Fred Couples. Everyone loves Freddie. They may even ask him to walk down the red carpet before you and we both know that can’t happen to a Ryder Cup captain of your prestige. As for Mike Hulbert, well, I was actually surprised to see he even had a Wikipedia page – even if it hasn’t been updated since David Duval was good.

Mr. Love, if you want an assistant with no Ryder Cup experience – and someone who will not steal your spotlight – I’m your man.

I bring a lot to the table, Mr. Love. Not only did I used to caddie at a golf course, but I once shot 75 with a couple of key mulligans. I also have a bunch of college friends who can support us at Medinah, shouting things like “fried chicken” and “America.”

I promise, if you select me as your assistant captain, the Ryder Cup will remain on American soil for the next two years. If we lose, I’ll just steal it and run like Forrest Gump.

Sincerely,

Sean the Intern