Grill Room Gang picks for U.S. Ryder Cup aides

• By Golf Channel Digital
• Aug 17, 2012 10:00 AM ET

With Davis Love III recently announcing his four assistant captains for this year's Ryder Cup at Medinah, the Grill Room Gang of course had to chime in. As they see it, naming Freddie Couples was one thing, but – no offense – Mike Hulbert, Jeff Sluman and Scott Verplank add little if any spice to the event.

The Greater Chicago location offers offers a wealth of possibilities (Barack Obama, anyone?). So with that, here are the late-night crew's outside-the-box (waayyy outside the box) suggestions for assistant captains who would really generate some buzz:

By GOLF GUY

Mike Ditka – Fire and brimstone. Our guys have no chance of losing with the former Bears coach stalking the fairways, refusing to let our team act like a bunch of country club sissies. And, the Chicago fans would love him.

Elle Macpherson – You're a U.S. player having a tough time and constantly being berated by Da Coach. What better relief than a nice long hug from "The Body"? Tough love followed by sweet love – a perfect recipe for victory. Also, camera shots of her in various acts of consolation would be great for TV. And, the Chicago fans would love her.

Martin Scorsese – An added bit of drama. His twisted view on things takes the Ryder Cup to a different level. Would there be bloodshed? Perhaps, but this is the Ryder Cup – he'd end up making the 1991 "War by the Shore" Ryder Cup look like a G-rated Disney movie. And, the Chicago fans would love him.

By JASON CROOK

For my assistant captains, I'm going with hometown heroes. Chicago being one of America's most iconic cities – not to mention best sports towns – it's only fitting that some of the area’s most influential people help the USA bring the Ryder Cup home.

Kanye West – The Americans have won only two of the last eight Ryder Cups. They're not exactly oozing confidence. Enter the man with the biggest ego on the planet. Mr. West eats swag for breakfast and has enough left over to feed his dog. Would his attitude rub off on the team? I'd like to think so. You have to know you’re going to win, or at least make everyone think it (I'm looking at you, Jason Dufner). But even if this plan doesn’t work, we would have a week to watch him offend anybody and everybody on live television, and that's reason enough to make him an assistant captain.

Oprah Winfrey – The U.S. team can use all the help it can get on its home turf. Winfrey brings in fans who will jump on the bandwagon just because she tells them to, and who couldn't use a few … hundred thousand more fans? Also, everyone in attendance will receive a new car, or at the very least a book recommendation. Plus, guess who's footin' the bill for the victory party? Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness has obviously never been “Oprah rich."

Vince Vaughn – While Kanye is a comedian of sorts, (he doesn’t realize people are laughing at him, not with him) the Americans need some comic relief. Vaughn fills that role. If you ignore his last few unfunny films, this guy had some of the greatest lines in movie history. (I'm thinking "Old School" and "Wedding Crashers" ... every line.) He has the quick wit and the comedic timing to keep the U.S. loose and maybe get in the Europeans' heads.

By AL TAYS

Assistant captains, huh?  Sounds like a pretty cushy job. Let's face it, their sole purpose is to be, as they say in the NHL, “good in the room.” So with pucks on the brain, my first pick is Stan Mikita, the legendary former center for the Chicago Black Hawks (that’s the way they spelled it when he played, kiddies). His only duty would be to channel his role in "Wayne’s World" and bring the donuts.

Speaking of donuts, my next pick is Dan Castellaneta. He was born in the Chicago suburb of Oak Park, Ill. But I don’t care if he was born in the Oak Ridge atomic plant – that’s not why I want him. I want him because he’s the voice of Homer Simpson. Picture the scene: Sergio Garcia misses a crucial tap-in. The crowd is stunned (well, those who rarely watch Sergio putt, anyway). You can hear the waves lapping up on the shore of Lake Michigan. Then one strangely familiar voice rings out across the course: "D'oh!!!"

For my third pick, I'm torn between Hugh Hefner and Cindy Morgan. Think those two Chicago types might have some stories to entertain the U.S. team with? Hef could talk about the good old days in the grotto (or about dating Harry Vardon's grandmother), and Cindy could reveal what really happened when the "Caddyshack" cameras were turned off. "D'oh!" indeed.

One final addition: This team needs a mascot. You think Texas would ever take the field without Bevo the steer? Georgia without UGA the bulldog? And where would the St. Louis Cardinals be without their Rally Squirrel?

But I don’t want a Bull, a Bear, or a Cub. No, I want the animal most closely tied to the history of Chicago. But we’ll have to substitute, since Mrs. O’Leary’s cow – if you’re over 50, you should know what I’m talking about; if not, Google it – has been dead for almost 150 years. Still, a bovine it must be, with a lit lantern sitting on some tinder-dry hay. Because that’s what the U.S. players really need – something to light a fire under them.