*Starting on 10th tee
7:00 a.m. PT: D.A. Points, Patrick Sheehan, David Hearn
The first group out off the first tee. We assume the starter has to be out there to announce this group, but even he might not show up until one hour and six minutes later.
8:06 a.m. PT: Adam Scott, Phil Mickelson, Tiger Woods
The top three players in the world. Together in the same threesome. Nothing contrived there. Getting a good view of this group teeing off will be like trying to get bread in post-war Russia.
8:06 a.m. PT*: Woody Austin, Pat Perez, Thomas Levet
Believe it or not, there will actually be people following this group and not the one going off the first hole at the same time. Perez is a local who has, by his estimate, played the South Course some 250 times. As for Austin, its actually more fun to hear what he has to say after a round than to watch him play. Something like: Yes, I shot 77 and Tiger shot 62, but my game has the power to stop tornadoes in the Midwest.
8:28 a.m. PT: Michael Campbell, Jesper Parnevik, Todd Hamilton
Carnac says, Who are two players who never should have won a major championship and one who should have?
8:39 a.m. PT: Miguel Angel Jimenez, Boo Weekley, Shingo Katayama
For the rest of his life, in major championships, Boo is going to be grouped with either people from his hometown or people who speak a foreign language. How many times is he going to be asked if they were speaking three different languages out there: Spanish, Japanese and Redneck? Thats not really funny the first time you hear it.
9:12 a.m. PT: Jeffrey Bors, Sean English, Travis Bertoni
We have no idea who these three people are. In fact, there are a few groups out there with three names weve never before heard. Thats the U.S. Open for you. Guess we could look up who they are. If we werent really lazy.
12:52 p.m. PT: Stewart Cink, Sergio Garcia, Vijay Singh
According to Phil Mickelson, Garcias a major champion now that hes won THE PLAYERS. That should take off all the pressure this week. Sometimes Phil says things that make Woody go, Huh?
1:03 p.m. PT: Trevor Immelman, Zach Johnson, Mike Weir
These three have combined for three Masters titles, which is he same amount I have. Yes, Im a three-time Dart Golf Masters champion. Lets see one of these guys win a major at 2 a.m., in an Irish Pub, listening to some indiscernible Celtic music, and cross-eyed from double-tall glasses of Jim Beam. I am not a role model.
1:14 p.m. PT*: Ian Poulter, Paul Casey, Luke Donald
Three young Englishmen grouped together. Clever.
1:36 p.m. PT: Angel Cabrera, Padraig Harrington, Davis Love III
The USGA normally groups the reigning U.S. Open champion, reigning British Open champion and the reigning U.S. Amateur champion in the same group, but since Colt Knost turned pro and is not eligible for this event he ruined that tradition. Instead Cabrera and Harrington get Love, who hasnt won any of the aforementioned events and had to qualify just to get in.
1:36 p.m. PT*: Justin Rose, Geoff Ogilvy, Ernie Els
If Rose and Els were the only players competing in the final round would Ogilvy still win?
1:47 p.m. PT: Bubba Watson, J.B. Holmes, Brett Wetterich
These three rank Nos. 1, 2 and 5 on TOUR in driving distance. Bubba finished T5 last year at Oakmont, so maybe he can bully Torrey Pines, too, with his length. The real question, however, is not who is the longest player among this group, but who has the worst haircut? Were going with a Watson-Holmes tie. At least Wetterich doesnt look like his mom did a quick brush on his head before picture time.
1:47 p.m. PT*: Camilo Villegas, Charles Howell III, Martin Kaymer
You might be more far more familiar with Villegas and Howell, but Kaymers probably the best player among this young trio. He won the Abu Dhabi Golf Championship this year and finished runner-up in Dubai. Hes also on the verge of making the European Ryder Cup team. Camilo and Charles have made a lot of commercials.
2:09 p.m. PT*: Rory Sabbatini, David Toms, Colin Montgomerie
Mark it down: I believe this is the year Colin Montgomerie finally wins the U.S. Open! And I believe celebrities when they get busted for buying drugs and say they were just researching a role. And I believe you can stop a moving car with your feet like Fred Flintstone. And I believe in Scientology.