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Editor's note: Michael Collins has been a stand-up comedian for 15 years and has more than seven years experience as a professional caddie. He currently covers the PGA TOUR as a correspondent with XM Satellite Radio and takes his turn on The Turn Mondays on GOLF CHANNEL.
 
So, Im on the flight to Tucson for the Match Play (not in first class this time!) sitting next to a couple of beautiful blondes, Robin and Arlyn (How sweet is that name? And, yes, she is as hot as her name.), on their way to Phoenix so Arlyn can interview to get into dental school.
 
So were talking golf and schools ' Arlyn graduated from UF last year; Robin (her mom) owns a cleaning company ' and, of course, they ask me about Tiger and Phil. Are they cool? Are they nice guys? Nah, theyre both huge jerks. You shouldve seen their faces! Then I let em off the hook and told them how cool they really are and I start thinking how lucky we are in the sport of golf that we really dont have villains. I mean we try to create them (see Rory Sababtini, Vijay Singh, even Nicklaus back in the day) but it just doesnt really work, because when it comes down to it most guys out here on tour are good at heart.
 
Now there are guys I would like (Id actually pay) to see fight. Lumpy vs. Colin Montgomerie (Heavyweights); Charles Howell III vs. Camilo Villegas (Featherweights); Boo Weekly vs. an Orangutan (that one actually happened!); Frank Lickliter II vs. Peter Lonard (Redneck vs. Rugby); and the main undercard, Phil vs. Vijay. Now some people wanna see Tiger vs. Phil, but I think the Vijay match-up would be better because they have a past.
 
Imagine Vijay taking a swing at Phil! Phil smiles sheepishly as he kicks Veej below the belt! Vijay goes down but being a former bouncer, and having golf balls of steel, he grabs Phil by the hair and pulls him down, too. And, of course, Phil is still smiling. After three rounds Vijays bloody, ashy, and has bite marks on his shoulder. Phil has three teeth and hes STILL SMILING!
 
Now who should Tiger fight? KJ Choi! Former power lifter, you know hed know some tae kwon-something thatd at least confuse Tiger for a little bit. I dont think KJ could win but itd be a good fight!
 
This week the sports news has been all about steroids. Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte were actually in front of a congressional committee and the public to talk about or deny their use of human growth hormones and steroids. First of all, arent we at war in TWO PLACES? What the hell are our congressmen doing talking sports at a time like this? And second do we really care? I mean lets be real, were gonna start testing this year on the TOUR for drugs and to be honest with you, I dont care if someone tests positive for anything. A friend of mine, who will remain nameless, had the funniest line at the player meeting a few weeks ago when the players and TOUR got together to talk about the testing policy.
 
The exchange went like this: Player, So you saying that you can come to MY HOUSE at anytime and test me? Tour, Yes, thats the gist of the agreement. Player, Hows the tester gonna get out of my house with a bullet in his a--? Eruption of applause and laughter from the other players present.
 
I dont care if Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens, Floyd Landis and even Marion Jones used. You know why, because no matter how many steroids, HGH, and horse tranquilizers I took, I cant do what these people can do. I cant golf, run, jump, swim, hit, throw, and ride a bike at the level these people can when theyre NOT on steroids. I think thats what most of the people making all this noise are truly so pissed about. Heres a reality slap: if Tiger, Phil, Vijay, Ernie, and even Jim Furyk were all doing steroids and then stopped, theyd still put a whooping on you and me. Maybe we should require them to play while they are on mushrooms just to see!
 
Robin and Arlyn previewed this column and they both agreed with me. Robin says we should let them all do steroids if they want to; they know the price theyll have to pay later in life. Arlyn says, whatever helps her get into dental college. Beautiful, single, and gonna have a good paying job. WHERE ARE MY CARDS?!?
 
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