Letting It Vent

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Editor's note: Michael Collins has been a stand-up comedian for 15 years and has more than seven years experience as a professional caddie. He currently covers the PGA TOUR as a correspondent with XM Satellite Radio and takes his turn on The Turn Mondays on GOLF CHANNEL.
 
There is no way Tiger is going undefeated this year.
 
There is no way Tiger can win all four majors this year.
 
There is no way Justin Leonard is gonna blow a four-shot lead on a Sunday at The Hope.
 
There is no way Calc can lose The Honda after the first four holes.
 
Right?
 
I mean, we all knew the wind would blow on Saturday last week. We all knew a few guys would back up a little bit. But even in the caddie trailer for breakfast Saturday morning no one was talking about HIM.
 
Ill be honest, yes Im a caddie, yes Im a broadcaster, and yes I guess now Im a writer, but I am a fan first of this crazy game. Last Sunday I missed seeing the putt go in on 18 because I was at the scoring trailer with a friend of mine. I couldnt sneak him in behind the 18th green. Arnie was there and I just couldnt bring myself to do it. I know in my heart it was the right thing to do (or not to do) but man it is KILLING ME (and Im sure my buddy, too)! So then last night Im watching the third Indiana Jones movie and it hits me: If winning all four majors in the same calendar year is the Holy Grail for golf, what would going undefeated be?
 
And, if I hear one more person say Tiger Slam Im going to commit a crime against them.
 
I gotta vent, and you guys are all my therapists since I havent gotten to be on stage in a couple weeks. Normally the comedy stage is my release, and it isnt edited, but this week this is gonna have to do, so if some of this doesnt make sense go easy on the editor. He probably HAD to take some parts out.
 
I hate media.
 
Not because all my friends (caddies and players) make fun of me for going to the dark side, but because some of the guys in the media hate me because of the friendships that I have with the players and caddies.
 
Last week some writer complained about the way a player (one we all know) and I were joking around before an interview. But instead of coming to me man-to-man this he complained to a TOUR liaison. Now, as almost all of you know or have started to figure out, when you write me to disagree (or even agree) with something Ive written about you are probably going to get a note back from me about what youve written. I know its surprised a lot of you. But like I said, Im a fan first, too, and I just want you all to know how much I appreciate the fact that yall take the time to read my column and then write me. Just family-taught respect (thanks Mom ' she writes me, too). Agree or disagree it shows a big set of you-know-what to come to me and tell me that you think Im cool or an idiot and I respect that. So when a professional writer attacks me from behind, my blood boils.
 
Now I have friends who are also amazing writers, Tim Rosaforte, Rex Hoggard, Jaime Diaz, John Maginnes and Jim Moriarty, to name a few that are out on TOUR week after week busting their butts to get stories without hating on each other for the relationships that they have built over the years with some players. Some players dont like some media, but for specific reasons. You know if I wrote a column about So and So golfer that wasnt very nice and didnt talk to the player about it, theres a good chance said player is not gonna be talking to said writer for a while. But most of us are up front with each other and thats what I love about the TOUR. It is a big family; we just forgot to NOT invite the ignorant uncle.
 
Thank goodness I have all of you. Tiger, PLEASE win this week! Makes me feel better and gives all of us something to talk about other than the knuckleheads we have to see and deal with everyday!
 
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