Milwaukee is the place to be

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So let the caddie get this straight: I can spend $3,500 to go to a place with bad food, bad weather, and a golf course my player and I dont know, which would probably mean a missed cut (no percentage pay).
 
Or go hang a week in Milwaukee, home of Laverne and Shirley, cheese heads (Have you ever had cheese curds? WOW!), and Brown Deer Park, where if Corey Pavin can win ' no offense Corey cause youre my boy and all but even you looked surprised at the award ceremony ' everybody has a chance.
 
I know this may offend some of my fans in the UK and it is the oldest championship in the world, but unless its at St. Andrews, you lost me to Milwaukee.
 
Now before yall start typing those nasty e-mails to me, remember this is the caddie in me saying this. The fan in me will watch The Open religiously (both events for that matter), and the lover of the game in me would fly there in a NY minute to play all the amazing courses that Ive seen on TV and have heard about from the caddies and broadcasters who have been there.
 
Now you have to be honest with me: Other than the winning caddie, have you ever seen a caddie walking at The Open, in full rain gear, hanging on to the bag for dear life, in a 40-mile-an-hour wind when its 50 degrees, laughing and looking like hes having fun? HELL NO!!
 
Its like marathon runners who say they love the way running makes them feel, they get that runners high. Yeah well you dont look happy and high when I see you during the fifth mile of your run. You look like a caddie at The Open: tired, wet and miserable.
 
Now some players will actually pay their caddies air fare and hotel to go with them to The Open, but thats the exception not the rule. And even in some of those cases the caddie will respectfully decline and let the player get a local caddie when they arrive.
 
Milwaukee, on the other hand, has a great course and reliable weather ' hot and humid, with a few thunderstorms to stop play at least once. One year they accidently left beer in the coolers on the tees and never put Gatorade in. It was 94 degrees and 91% humidity; needless to say, I ended up buying Gatorades for my player and me from some kids across the street (and the little poops wouldnt even give us a discount!) at one tee box because my boy was cramping up so bad.
 
I remember his wife walking along with us and all she could talk about was popcorn and hot dogs. I turned to my boy and said, I bet your wife is pregnant. Found out the next week, my caddie pregnancy instincts are also good!
 
Now the Brits can drink, but against Cheese Heads? Please, you think Brett Farves comeback may be better than Beckhams? Ask yourself this, where would you want to be if you were gonna go out for a night on the town? Thats what I thought. I dont think there are any Harley Davidson biker dive bars in England, but Ive personally been in six of them in Milwaukee and one of em is right outside the gate of Brown Deer Park.
 
Every day youll find caddies drinking and complaining about their players. WE made birdie at 7 and then at 8 HE makes bogey after I told him to hit 7-iron, but noooo he flies a 6 over the green! Yeah, Ill take another one, please, bottles fine, thank you, honey.
 
I love the history The Open has brought to the game and the compelling golf that comes with it ' especially when I can love it from either in front of my TV or after happily carrying a bag around Wisconsin.
 
Editor's note: Michael Collins has been a stand-up comedian for 15 years and has more than seven years experience as a professional caddie. He currently covers the PGA TOUR as a correspondent with XM Satellite Radio and takes his turn on The Turn Mondays on GOLF CHANNEL.
 
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