What Happens in the Caddy Trailer Stays

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Children Editor's note: Michael Collins has been a stand-up comedian for 15 years and has more than seven years experience as a professional caddie. He currently covers the PGA TOUR as a correspondent with XM Satellite Radio and takes his turn on The Turn Tuesdays on GOLF CHANNEL.
 
LAKE BUENA VISTA, Fla. -- So you really wanna know what the course is like? REALLY wanna hear how the greens are running? Tired of hearing the politically correct answers from players?
 
Well, there is only one place on the PGA TOUR where you can get the REAL scoop on a tournament, a course, and the general dirt whats going on out here on TOUR. Its the Caddy trailer!
 
Michael Collins
Our man Michael Collins on the Disney scene.
And like Vegas what happens in the trailer you know the rest.
 
Since I started hanging out on the TOUR in '98, I heard of a place where caddies could talk freely about their players (interpret that as bitch about) without fear of repercussion (being fired). A place where the food was good, the talk was good, and all the rumors of the TOUR could be shared.
 
Steroids, wives, girlfriends, girlfriends of wives, boyfriends of girlfriends, wrong yardages on sprinkler heads, no yardages on sprinkler heads Everything you can imagine (and even things you CANT) is talked about in the Caddy trailer.
 
Nowadays even pros come eat in the caddy trailer, in lieu of getting a free meal in the clubhouse. All of course with the understanding that when they enter this place, they are not the top of the totem pole. As I sit here writing this, Bubba Watson, Bob Tway, Sean OHair, Woody Austin, Scott Verplank, all sit with the caddies talking sports, the course (Disney is SOAKED), girls, and general gossip. There is a HUGE rumor this week about a player on TOUR with problems at. Oops!! I almost let one slip.
 
One of the coolest things about the Caddy trailer is knowing if you and your player have a bad day on the course, you can come to the trailer and vent with other caddies going through the same thing.
 
I told him to hit 7-iron on 12 but NOOOO, he swears its a big 8 and when the ball goes in the water that #$@%! looks at ME!
 
Yeah, WE make birdie at 9 and then HE snap hooks 3 wood off 10 even after I took the headcover off the driver, HINT, HINT!
 
It is a very small brotherhood of TOUR caddies (theres only one woman, Fanny, out here) so the other benefit of the trailer is that you come in Thursday morning to get breakfast before your round and another caddy comes over and says, You get the carry on 6? The book is wrong.
 
Then later that day when you and your player get to the 6th hole and you need to carry the water, you KNOW the number you give your player is right because someone else, who by the way is trying to beat you, covered your ass.
 
Heaven on TOUR is the 18th green when you win, but purgatory may just be the Caddy trailer.
 
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