About all Tiger Woods has told us is that he plays a bunch of video golf. And now, days ago, he told an anxious world that he and Elin are expecting their second child.
So while Tiger goes through rehab and reproduces, many fans wonder, what is Tiger up to day-to-day in his multi-million dollar highly secluded estate? Well, fortunately, it is a question you need not ponder any longer, for thanks to the vast resources available to me as GOLF CHANNEL's investigative reporter ' namely published news reports and clairvoyance that comes from Coca-Cola in abundance ' I have dug into this pressing matter.
Below is what I've learned by psychically connecting with Tiger:
7-8 a.m. ' Tiger awakes. The sun breaks through the clouds to warm Tiger's cheeks. Photographer, Annie Leibowitz, on assignment for Vogue, is in the room and records the moment for history.
Ms. Leibowitz also records Tiger brushing his teeth, taking a shower and shaving. A Gillette PR man bursts into the room via rope ladder from a helicopter to be sure the Gillette brand name is visible in all photographs.
8 a.m. ' Tiger considers going to the 7-11 to get some orange juice. Upon realizing that he is Tiger Woods and he can't go out in public without causing a massive riot, Tiger decides to have fresh squeezed from his 45 acre grove of trees. Tiger sends Nike CEO, Phil Knight, out to do the squeezing.
Mr. Knight enjoys spending time in Tiger's 4,500-square foot guest house. Mr. Knight particularly likes to spend the midnight-to-7 a.m. shift in Tiger's bedroom watching him sleep. According to Mr. Knight, it's like 'watching money in a bank.'
8:30 a.m. ' Mr. Knight offers a shoulder massage to Mr. Woods, which is graciously turned down. Mr. Knight then offers a massage to Elin, which causes Tiger to playfully toss Mr. Nike from the balcony... into the Olympic-sized pool below.
Mr. Knight is rescued by former Olympian, Mark Spitz, who has recently found employment as Tiger's pool lifeguard (life goes downhill once your records get broken). Live in fear Jack Nicklaus, live in fear.
Mr. Knight then spends three hours with the Woods' daughter, Sam, letting her ride him like a pony. A handler goes and gives the pink slip to 12 ponies and three trainers recently purchased for Sam.
9 a.m. ' Tiger and Elin have a leisurely breakfast prepared by Emeril Lagasse. At the end of the meal, Tiger thanks Emeril and gives him a used Buick with 17 miles on the odometer ' the precise distance from the nearest Buick dealership to Tiger's front door.
10 a.m. ' Tiger relaxes by the marlin pond. Originally designed as a koi pond to be filled with goldfish, Tiger decided that this was not 'sexy enough' and built an 8,000 acre saltwater pond filled with marlins. Six recently retired Florida Marlins baseball players manage the preserve.
Noon ' Lunch is brought in by celebrity chef Rachel Ray. Tiger and Rachel engage in a contest to see who has a bigger smile. As in all competitions, Tiger wins.
Rachel Ray is escorted from the property and given a Buick. With 17 miles on the odometer.
1-4 p.m. ' Tiger takes his hovercraft the six miles to the mailbox to pick up his daily endorsement checks. While most near-billionaires have their endorsement checks direct-deposited, Tiger prides himself on being old school. He spends the next 3 hours opening and endorsing checks, resulting in a nasty paper cut.
Dr. Ben Jobe and a team of plastic surgeons immediately come in to assess the damage. Tiger's think tank decides that all photography must be canceled for the next 4-6 weeks at minimum.
There is talk of using stunt double index finger or perhaps photo-shopping an uninjured finger into the next Tag Heuer ad campaign. Ever the honest sportsman, Tiger will have none of that.
4-4:15 p.m. ' Saudi sheik, Mohammad al Mohammad, flies in on a G-7 to ask for Tigers permission to name his next born son, 'Tiger.' Tiger allows 'naming rights' to go to the Sheik for $67 million dollars. Sheik Mohammad proudly announces that he fully expects 'Tiger' al Mohammad to be born by one of his 14 wives in the Butch Harmon Birthing Center by fall 2009.
4:15-7:30 p.m. ' Against his doctors orders, Tiger engages in a putting contest with daughter, Sam. Tiger's caddie, Steve Williams, is by Tiger's side during the competition, as he is whenever Tiger touches a club...even in the basement.
After Tiger sinks 457 consecutive 20-45 footers and Sam drops a ball in the hole, they laughingly call it a 'tie' because of darkness.
7:30 p.m. ' Again, against doctors orders, Tiger has a long driving contest with daughter, Sam. Tiger opens with a poke of 879 yards down his personal airline runway. Sam, who is nearing 15 months, nudges her drive 0.71 yards. Tiger proudly kisses his little girl and turns to caddie, Steve Williams, and says, Her's was wind aided.'
Turning down Tiger's offer of a Buick, Steve drives off into the sunset in a 64 Porsche 356C.
8:10 p.m. ' After Sam's bedtime snack of warm Muscle Milk and raw eggs, Tiger sweetly puts Sam to bed, telling her that she already is a better putter than Bobby Jones.
Sam goes to bed happily with a photo of Jack Nicklaus under her pillow and a list of all of Tiger's major wins posted on her wall.
8:13 p.m. ' Upon seeing roses in kitchen, Tiger compliments gardener on a good days work and gives him a Buick.
8:15-9:15 p.m. ' Dinner is prepared by celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck. Guests for the evening include Hootie and all of the Blowfish. After dinner, the Blowfish retreat to the orange grove to pick oranges for the next morning's juice while Tiger and Darius fire up the Wii for a quick round of video golf. Loser gets a Buick.
9:30-11:30 p.m. ' The house is cleared so that Elin and Tiger can watch their favorite movie, 'The Color of Money,' acted out scene by scene AND in person by both Tom Cruise and a very brave Paul Newman.
While accepting applause from Mr. and Mrs. Woods, Mr. Newman nibbles on an organic fig-based cookie while Tom Cruise jumps up and down in excitement on Elin's favorite couch.
Mr. Cruise is forcibly escorted from the property by an unknown Blowfish.
11:30 p.m.-12:45 a.m. ' Tiger does upper body workout and 1,700 one-legged push-ups, then hits the shower and goes to bed.
After kissing an already-sleeping Elin good night, Tiger falls asleep...with Phil Knight standing guard by the bed.
So, as hard as it is to believe, it would appear that Mr. Woods is doing just fine without us. As for living our lives without Tiger, well, perhaps picking up the clubs and playing a round would ease the pain.
After all, there was a time when we actually played the game, instead of living our golf lives through Tiger.
Email your thoughts to Michael Fechter
Editor's note: Michael Fechter, orphan worker and humorist, has the best job in golf: he's paid to be the Ambassador of Fun for golf courses across America. His 'job' is to make the courses he represents across America more interesting, unique and fun. Enjoy his humorous series on getting back into the game as he struggles to get his game into the shape it was nearly 30 years ago when he won his only personal junior 'major,' the Al Esposito, on America's easiest muni with rounds of 71-71-75.