I Dream of Golfing Bicycles

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Martin Luther King had a dream. Dr. King dreamed that, 'my 4 little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.'
 
A noble dream. A dream worth standing and marching for, a dream in which Dr. King sadly died.
 
I also have a dream. I dream of a bicycle that can carry your golf clubs while you peddle the course.
 
Perhaps a less noble dream.
 
You see, my 'job' as the Ambassador of Fun is to live as joyously as possible, coming up with unique ways to benefit golf and the growth of the game, while also doing what I can to help charity of many varieties. The charity that I personally oversee deals with the dilemmas of worldwide orphans. And I am always looking for ways to be of financial and critical benefit to orphans.
 
Well, how does a golfing bicycle fit into the plight of worldwide orphans, you may ask?
 
Allow this explanation:
 
Months ago, it hit me that many people do not golf because it is so time consuming. Many of us have second and third jobs, just to keep up with rising gas prices. Others of us have had to eliminate our private jets, just to keep the captain and deck hands of our yachts employed. It is tough all over.
 
So, in an attempt to get more people out on the course and off the course in a reasonable time, the 'natural' idea occurred to me that I should develop a bicycle that will pull your golf clubs behind you. Sort of like those baby/child nests that people often pull behind bicycles. I figured if these contraptions are safe enough for my 2-year-old Mitchell, the wunderkind offspring, they are damn sure safe enough for a set of Mizuno's.
 
Of course, there are problems when attempting to create a metal fabricated device involving larges doses of ingenuity and expertise, especially when I am nothing more than a kind spirited humorist and orphan worker. So, I did what I always do when confronted with dilemma: I consulted a large American conglomeration whose mission statement is to 'make money and plenty of it.'
 
You see, I didn't want to make loads of money off this genius idea. I just wanted to see it get into the marketplace. I wanted to see people have fun with it, as I am the Ambassador of Fun. And if possible, I wanted to see orphans share in a small percentage of any royalty profits that came from it. I didn't want money. It is how I am wired.
 
So, I contacted a conglomerate that handles several sporting lines involving both golf and the protection of children. It seemed a perfect fit.
 
While I should not say the names of the products they make, for legal reasons, I can tell you that IF you had a baby that was a jogger, or if you were a bag that wanted to be carried by a boy, these might be two of the products that they made.
 
After brief conversations with the C.E.O.'s of both companies and the C.F.O. of the parent company of the conglomeration, I was sent to a person in product development and marketing to whom I revealed this idea of genius.
 
I never heard from her again.
 
Using the deduction that was gained from an 'A' in a Business 101 course at a minor State college, I took this to mean that they were not interested in my idea or my suggestion that my royalty go not to me but to orphan charities.
 
As I am never one to be discouraged from a bad idea that has no market potential, I immediately contacted a 'Master Bike Builder' - Robert Soto. And now, over the past 6 months, we have developed a 3-wheeled, 3-speed bike that can safely transport even a staff golf bag the size of Tiger's Buick across the hundreds of acres that comprise a golf course. Allow us to take a bow. Noble Prizes can be sent directly to my home. I don't care for Stockholm in winter.
 
So, 'What are the advantages of biking a golf course...dumbass?', you may ask.
 
1 - Speed... you can easily play 18 holes using one of our bikes in less than two hours (As long as you are the first groups off in the morning).
 
2 - Exercise... you actually leave the course having lost weight and gained strength (Although we did add a cargo area behind the bike to carry a cooler, if you want to bike while enjoying a beverage or 12. Or if you should catch a 14-pound bass on No. 13 and need to bring it home).
 
3 - Fun... it feels great biking a course top to bottom. A 'Golfcycle' combines regular biking with elements of off-road biking and the whole thing is a leisurely pleasure.
 
So, if you love to bike, love to golf or just want to try something new and different, I hope our 'Golfcycle' is your ticket to more rounds of golf (Please, there is no need to throw rose petals or send notes of appreciation).
 
The golf courses that I represent should have models by the spring of 2009. And we're happy to share it with any reputable distributor as long as some profitability goes in perpetuity to orphans. Sorry, it is how I'm wired.
 
But it's a lovely way to go through life.
 

Email your thoughts to Michael Fechter
 
Editor's note: Michael Fechter, orphan worker and humorist, has the best job in golf: he's paid to be the Ambassador of Fun for golf courses across America. His 'job' is to make the courses he represents across America more interesting, unique and fun. Enjoy his humorous series on getting back into the game as he struggles to get his game into the shape it was nearly 30 years ago when he won his only personal junior 'major,' the Al Esposito, on America's easiest muni with rounds of 71-71-75.
 
Related Links:
  • The Gratitude Project
  • Greenway Golf