The Galactic View Complete with Futura Shock
I was abducted by aliens. Golf aliens.
Well, not abducted, really. Kind of commandeered. The creatures waited until I had gotten home with the usual gallon of 2% milk, and when I reemerged to check the mailbox, they nabbed me and took me to their ship. I was groggy ' they had overpowered me by reading a paragraph from a recent Dan Jenkins column ' but I think the ship was constructed in the shape of a giant Great Big Bertha II.
Once inside, I got a look at my captors. They were mostly pear-shaped. I got the idea they were largely perimeter weighted. They had roundish faces topped with golf hats, all bearing patches that said things such as 4001 U.S. Open. Their hands were blistered, as if they had been hitting a lot of balls. They wore Softspikes.
The inside of their enormous driver-ship was filled with easy chairs, televisions, and little refrigerators. On every monitor, Jim Nantz or Dan Hicks or Mike Tirico appeared. (Well, OK, one had Brian Hammons.)
One of the aliens, apparently the leader, sat me down and fixed me with a look.
We dont intend to hit you out of bounds. We have lifted you, and we promise when we are done to clean you and place you. We have many questions.
I politely refused whatever cleaning they had in mind and asked to simply be replaced next to my mailbox, with no penalty strokes for anyone involved, secret safe with me and all that stuff. No dice.
I am Niblick. We are from the planet Links, a galactic par 5 away. We must have some questions answered. We have seen your broadcasts on our satellite. You can help.
I was incredulous. What, wasnt Iron Chef on? I stammered.
Enough. Tell us, why does gender disturb the serenity of your golf on this planet? Niblick demanded.
Oh, that. Well, some people object to a private and exclusive club holding one of our most important championships, I said.
The Linksians looked at each other. What means private? Niblick said.
But with all the attention to that issue, Niblick continued, growing heated, and with people protesting the Burk womans right to protest, and the guys in the white hoods, and Jesse Jackson ' what planet is he from? ' will anyone care about the tournament?
Well see in a few weeks, I suppose.
Hmm. I dislike your answer, Niblick said. It lacks focus. Let us try another subject. Why do some Earthlings blame technology for all the games woes, while some forget about the effects of increased fitness, improved technique and better mowing? Why do so many chafe at regulation? Cant anyone down here manage multi-factor analysis? And what about the difference between elite players and recreational golfers?
Well, thats complicated, I said. It involves considerations of different players ideas of what golf is, and economic pressure that manufacturers have to deal with, all juxtaposed against the missions of the regulatory bodies.
Do not say words like juxtaposed. It gives us migraines, Niblick said. Is no compromise possible? Do not Earthling golf companies and regulators worry about showing only dissension and disagreement to those who they wish to adopt the game?
Say, why dont you kidnap one of them?
Hush! We shall return to gender. What is the big ' how do you people say it ' hoopla about that charming woman who wishes to play a tournament with the men of your planet?
Oh, you mean Annika Sorenstam? Well, she has risen to the pinnacle of her sport, and now she wants to test her skills against players she wouldnt ordinarily play with.
This seems to be a problem for some of your male Earthlings.
Has been since King versus Riggs, yes.
Never mind, I said.
We are no less confused than when we came to your planet. We shall deposit you by your dwelling now.
Oh, good. Hey, could you kind of coast in so as not to wake up the ki '
Silence! We have one more question. That putting device Scott Hoch used to win Doralthe Futura. Where can we get 500 million of them?
Well, I can give you Scotty Camerons number.
Oh, its his? No problem. Hes in our cells.
You guys have cell phones?
No, in our cells. You wouldnt understand.
And with that, I found myself unceremoniously dropped onto the ninth green at Bay Hill. I started the long walk home.
Woods: Fan who yelled had 'tipped back a few'
CARNOUSTIE, Scotland – Tiger Woods stood on the 18th tee and thought he needed birdie to have a chance to win The Open. He pulled driver out of his bag, a sign he wanted to boot the ball as far down the fairway as possible.
Woods took a mighty swat and - right in the middle of his downswing - someone yelled. Woods flinched.
Luckily his ball still found a decent spot just off the right of the fairway.
“I’ve had things like that happen a lot in my career with people who just tried to time it,” Woods said Sunday at Carnoustie after shooting 71 to tie for sixth place. “They tipped back a few, and it’s late in the day.
“Unfortunately, that’s part of what we have to deal with in today’s game. People are trying to yell out things to try to be on TV or be in social media or whatever it may be. That was too close to the game of play.”
Woods hit his approach to 6 feet and missed the birdie putt. He tapped in for par to shoot even par and finish 5 under for the week, in a tie for sixth.
Pros melt down on Twitter as they watch Tiger
Tiger Woods mounted a final-round charge and, for a little while, took the outright lead at Carnoustie on Sunday.
His fellow pros were watching and tweeting like your average fans.
We compiled some of their missives below:
Woods would go on to finish in a tie for sixth at 5 under par for the week.
Starting to wonder how many Tiggy is going to win by here........... #isheback— Graeme McDowell (@Graeme_McDowell) July 22, 2018
Tiger is leading the open pic.twitter.com/MbGnJIt1Jj— Tyrrell Hatton (@TyrrellHatton) July 22, 2018
That FW bunker shot by Tiger tho... pic.twitter.com/Fi3GY6AegO— Scott Langley (@Scott_Langley) July 22, 2018
Tiger back doing Tiger stuff.......— Graeme McDowell (@Graeme_McDowell) July 22, 2018
I love you https://t.co/JovVz2clm2— Braden Thornberry (@tberrygolf) July 22, 2018
Omg lesgo @TigerWoods— Willy Wilcox (@willwilcoxgolf) July 22, 2018
Right now, Tiger is like everyone’s ex who we’ve given way too many 2nd chances to, and he has the opportunity to rip your heart right out of your chest but we’re all ok with it because we tend to only remember the good times— max homa (@maxhoma23) July 22, 2018
Woods shares emotional embrace with his kids
CARNOUSTIE, Scotland – Tiger Woods missed a birdie putt on the last hole that would’ve vaulted him into a tie for second place at The Open. It was a difficult way to end an otherwise successful week for the 14-time major champion, who is just happy to playing majors again.
Then he walked off the 18th, saw his two children, daughter Sam and son Charlie, and they all took a moment for a long embrace. Turns out, that was the perfect way to end the week.
“I told them I tried and I said, 'Hopefully you’re proud of your pops for trying as hard as I did,'” Woods said Sunday after putting the finishing touches on an even-par 71 to end at 5 under for the week.
“It’s pretty emotional because they gave me some pretty significant hugs there and squeezed. I know that they know how much this championship means to me and how much it feels good to be back playing again.”
In 2008, when Woods won his last major, the U.S. Open at Torrey Pines, Sam was a year old and Charlie was not yet born. They don’t know how much their father used to dominate this game, especially majors. The last time Woods won a PGA Tour event was five full years ago. Woods has joked in the past that they only know him as a YouTube sensation.
“So, for them to understand what I was doing early in my career,” he said. “The only thing they’ve seen is my struggles and the pain I was going through. Now they just want to go play soccer with me. Man, it’s just such a great feeling.”
TT postscript: Not a win, but an amazing week
CARNOUSTIE, Scotland – Here are a few things I think I think after Tiger Woods had a chance to win his 15th major Sunday at The Open at Carnousite:
• Tiger shot 71-71-66-71 to finish at 5 under par and tie for sixth place.
• When Jordan Spieth and Xander Schauffele both bogeyed the fifth hole Tiger was in the solo lead. Amazing to think that only last September he said he never knew if he’d ever play golf again. Here he was, nine months later with a chance to win a fourth claret jug. Amazing.
• For 10 holes, Tiger was the calmest, coolest, most composed player on the golf course. Birdies at Nos. 4 and 6 looked easy, while most everyone else was struggling to make par.
• To me, the biggest mistake of the week, and certainly of the final round, was Tiger’s decision to get cute and hit a flop shot up and over a bunker into the 11th hole. It checked up and rolled back down and off the green. He failed to get up and down and made double bogey. If he’d have pitched the ball 12-15 past the hole he’d had have a chance to save par and would’ve made no worse than bogey.
• The double bogey felt worse when Tiger made bogey on the 12th hole. This two-hole stretch cost him three shots and he finished three shots off the lead.
• Tiger moved to 50th in the Official World Golf Ranking, which qualifies him for the WGC-Bridgestone Invitational, which he has won eight times.
• One of the best moments of the week came after Tiger’s round when he gave his kids, daughter Sam and son Charlie, long hugs. Tiger said it was especially emotional because both kids knew how much this week meant to their old man. They had only seen Tiger struggle; it was great for them to see his success.
• Tiger: “Today I did everything the way I thought I needed to do it to win the championship. This entire week, I felt like I needed to keep building my way into this championship. It's one of those where, as I said earlier in the week, it's going to be 10, 12 guys with a chance to win it on Sunday because we're all driving the same areas. Kind of turned out that way. There are a bunch of guys packed, a bunch of guys with a chance to win, and I was one of them.”
• Overall, an amazing week. Truly tremendous to watch.