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The First Dog of Golf

Taz Woods has an unlimited supply of Milkbones made with milk from the finest bovines. He has a swanky dog bed made of the most exquisite Egyptian cotton. And he gets to be in the spotlight more than any White House canine. You'd think he'd be satisfied. Yet, he keeps yapping in his dad's ear:

Wait. This fuzzy baby creature poops in the house and everyone cheers. I poop in the house, I get locked in the laundry room. Whats wrong with this picture?
The WGC Match Play, eh? You know, if I went head to head with that silly-looking 'Tiger Woods' mutt from the Westminster Show, I'd totally smoke him.
Tiger Woods Taz the Dog
Taz Woods: Tiger's talkative border collie?

Seriously, though. Could you not use the phrase, 'cutting off the dogleg' again? Makes me nervous as hell.
What did they mean by 'Stevie's in the doghouse?' He's sooo not taking my crib.
You know what's been gnawing at me? This 'Bones' guy you keep talking about. Tell me more.
No, I will NOT shag balls for you again. I thought that was why you brought the new kid in.
ZOMG! You wiped bacon grease on your neck! BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON!...
You know how you keep saying, 'Don't Taz me, bro!' and laughing because my name is Taz and all? Yeah, it's getting old.
Dude. That was hilarious how Stevie threw the reporters off your scent, so to speak... 'He'll be back in a FEW weeks,' MY TAIL!
Soooo, I hear they have a fancy five-star dog park at Doral according to my Dogats guide.
Hey dad, not to put too fine a point on it: But I can still out-sprint you.
You get your stinkin' knee operated on and the collective world holds their breathe. I get friggin' FIXED and nobody bats an eyelash. Sheesh.