With respect and homage to the good folks at Esquire, allow us to present the 2014 Dubious Achievement Awards in Golf.
Said the parking space: ‘It is what it is’
For two hours on Wednesday afternoon prior to the PGA Championship, Tiger Woods’ parking space outside the Valhalla clubhouse was surrounded by dozens of camera crews awaiting his arrival.
That’s what you call taking relief
On the verge of sealing the BMW Championship victory, Billy Horschel sprinted down the 18th hole in search of a porta-potty.
He was just dancing around the question
Asked about a possible injury during the BMW PGA Championship, Rory McIlroy explained, “I twerked my knee.”
Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Eww, eww, eww!
Two months before his Masters champions’ dinner, Adam Scott threatened to serve some untraditional fare. “There’s definitely going to be an Australian theme,” he said. “Whether that means they are eating kangaroo, I’m not sure yet.”
Maybe he ran out of fingers
Not long after declaring himself one of the world’s “top five” golfers following his WGC-Cadillac Championship victory, Patrick Reed was asked to name the other four. He listed Tiger Woods, Adam Scott, Phil Mickelson, Graeme McDowell and Dustin Johnson.
And at 12:01? Lunch
To help his confidence on the greens, Russell Henley revealed, “Every day at noon, I have a reminder on my phone that says I'm the best putter in the world.”
Good thing he didn’t take off his socks and shoes
An image of Stewart Cink went viral when he removed his hat after finishing the first round of the Sony Open, revealing a glaring tan line against his bald head.
‘… and that’s a bush, and over there is a flower…’
Augusta National’s famed Eisenhower Tree was uprooted after suffering major damage during an ice storm. When asked to reflect on its importance, Rory McIlroy shrugged, “It’s a tree.”
Just call him an ace-stronaut
With a hole-in-one during the final round of the KLM Open, Andy Sullivan earned a trip into outer-space.
Unlike him, she was already over the moon
When asked whether he’d take the trip, Sullivan said, "I'm not sure if I'll go. I'll check with the missus.”
Bad swing thoughts greater than Bad sting thoughts
Attacked by a swarm of hornets at the Maybank Malaysian Open, Pablo Larrazabal tried to run away, then jumped into a nearby water hazard. “It was the scariest moment of my career, for sure,” he insisted. “I've never been so scared.”
Just minutes after the trophy presentation at The Barclays, Hunter Mahan’s newest piece of hardware came apart from its base.
After winning the IPSA Handa Perth International, Thorbjorn Olesen offered this on his impending celebration: “I'll definitely have a few beers. Maybe some other stuff also, champagne, I don't know. Whatever I can get my hands on, I'll drink it.”
After winning the Dunhill Links Championship, Oliver Wilson offered this on his impending celebration: “I don’t know. I could be drunk for a while.”
After earning the clinching point for the European side at the Ryder Cup, Jamie Donaldson was asked the next morning whether it had sunk in yet. “No,” he said, “because I’m still drunk.”
Must’ve been before he learned numbers
Victor Dubuisson on when he stopped attending school during his formative years in France: “I was like 10 or 12.”
Even Lydia Ko has socks older than her
At 11 years old, Lucy Li became the youngest competitor in U.S. Women’s Open history.
Like that old motto for a plumbing company: ‘We’re No. 1 in taking care of No. 2’
With a playoff loss at the HSBC Champions tournament, Tim Clark claimed a runner-up finish on the PGA Tour for an 11th consecutive season.
But did he hold on to that old Slazenger?
Golf ball diver Stephen Martinez was attacked by an alligator in Florida for the second time in less than a decade, leaving minimal bite injuries to his left hand and arm.
Finally, a solution to slow play
A golf cart in South Carolina was modified for speed, setting a Guinness World Record by reaching 118.76 mph.
Now who’s chicken?
A suspect fled the scene after breaking into a Foster Farms ranch near Fresno, Calif., and slaughtering more than 900 chickens with a golf club.
And you thought the 1996 Masters was cringe-worthy
Greg Norman nearly lost his left arm after a heavy tree limb forced it down against the running blade of a chainsaw.
Considering the alternative, thank goodness it was funny
In a satirical video featuring the catchphrase, “That’s How Duf Does It,”usual flatliner Jason Dufner deadpanned his approach to golf on the website Funny or Die.
The 19th hole barely had enough prune juice for everyone
Dom DeBonis, an 81-year-old recreational golfer, carded holes-in-one during three consecutive rounds in October.
You mean he didn’t have holes-in-one during three consecutive rounds?
PGA Tour China leading money winner Xin-Jun Zhang was suspended for six months after being found guilty of signing multiple incorrect scorecards.
OK, now that’s a hole-in-one
During the opening round of the PGA Championship, Chris Wood split his pants in an inopportune wardrobe malfunction. “I’m 6-foot-6 with a massive hole in my trousers in America,” he later said. “It’s the most embarrassed I’ve ever been on the golf course."
As it turns out, money can buy you love
One-upping fellow competitors who threw sponsor-related knickknacks into the stands surrounding TPC Scottsdale’s rowdy 16th hole, Ryan Palmer won over the fans by tossing cold, hard cash.
Here’s a guy who knows how to move up a leaderboard - literally
English factory worker John Singleton, whose day job consists of operating a forklift, qualified for the Open Championship.
Michael Jordan listed President Obama in his dream foursome, then quickly took it back. “He’s a hack,” the former basketball star said. “It would be all day playing with him.”
Upon hearing of Jordan’s comment, the president fired back: “He might want to spend more time thinking about the Bobcats – or the Hornets.”
His mama always said that
Tom Watson explained of Open Championship host Royal Liverpool: "It's like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."
Or, if you keep missing, even more frustrating
As part of an effort to grow the game, TaylorMade introduced 15-inch holes which ostensibly make golf easier.
One dig deserves another
During the WGC-Cadillac Championship, Ian Poulter called Hideki Matsuyama an “idiot” for digging his putter into the 13th green in frustration, then leaving it for a rules official to repair.
Taking this whole ‘man of the people’ thing entirely too far
On two consecutive days at The Barclays, Phil Mickelson pushed drives into the hospitality tent left of the fifth green at Ridgewood Country Club, each time hitting his next shot from among the spectators.
‘And I might be off, but one Masters win plus another Masters win is two Masters wins, correct?’
Bubba Watson to caddie Ted Scott, while standing over a birdie putt on the final hole of the Masters: “I'm not very good at math, but we've got four putts, right?”
Anyone know how to get maple syrup out of a green jacket?
Following his victory, Watson tweeted a photo of himself celebrating with friends and family at a local Waffle House.
Membership has its privileges
Playing with Augusta National member Jeff Knox during the third round of the Masters, Rory McIlroy suffered a worse score than his marker.
Proclaimed The Donald: ‘It’s the Trumpiest Trump in all of Trumpland’
Ubiquitous developer Donald Trump bought venerable Turnberry Resort and, like most of his golf properties, eponymously renamed it Trump Turnberry.
When found, it was hailed as a diamond in the rough
At the WGC-Bridgestone Invitational, an errant drive by Sergio Garcia knocked the diamond out of a female spectator’s engagement ring.
And all you got your dad this year was an ugly tie
A decade-old wager on his son to win the Open Championship by age 25 earned Gerry McIlroy and two friends more than $300,000 after Rory's victory at Royal Liverpool.
In his defense, he didn’t have enough characters left to write ‘Little’
PGA of America president Ted Bishop was ousted from his position after referring to Ian Poulter on social media as a “Lil Girl.”
Take the putt, leave the bologna
Following a lengthy ruling, Sergio Garcia conceded an 18-foot putt to Rickie Fowler during their match at the WGC-Accenture Match Play Championship. “I didn’t know what he meant,” Fowler said of the unlikely halve. “I didn’t know if he had a sandwich over there waiting and asked if I wanted to split lunch or something.”