If Youre Judging at Home

By Michael CollinsAugust 14, 2008, 4:00 pm
Like many of you I am home watching the Olympics waiting for golf to come on TV. I wanted to go to Greensboro but Major (my 20-month-old) said no, Da-Da is not allowed to work five weeks in a row. So since Im doing the Playoffs Im home for now.
 
Believe me Id much rather be at Greensboro. Theres a block party downtown on Friday thats one of the best on Tour, and North Carolina girls are the best at Southern hospitality. I shouldve taken off the PGA. Now I have to miss a party with one of my favorite teammates/writers/broadcasters (and its a home game) John Maginnes.
 
As for the Olympics, I have no time for judged sports. Boxing, gymnastics, synchronized diving (are you serious?), etc. If there isnt a time or a goal or a count there is no point to it. Can you imagine in golf if they deducted strokes for where the ball went in the hole, or which side of the fairway you missed?
 
Well, Bob, the German judge is really gonna take some strokes here as Sergio missed the fairway left in the deep rough. But he got a nice total for that missed putt on 17.
 
Dont get me wrong, the Chinese gymnastic team looks just like the LPGA, 13-year-old girls doing things the world cannot believe (even if their passports say theyre 16. . . wink, wink). At the speed at which all these girls do these amazing things, unless they fall, which one of the American girls did twice Tuesday night, there is no way the judges can see the toes pointing in the wrong directions. Heck, TV had to do slow-mo twice just so the gymnastic analyst could see what was wrong.
 
It reminded me of golf and watching guys swing in slow-mo on TV, then hearing someone tell me what happened. No blank Sherlock. When its in slow motion I can see what went wrong. Hell, when I first started hanging out on Tour and would hear the caddies telling their players, clubface a little closed on that one. I thought to myself, You cant even see the clubface its moving so fast at impact, what kind of bull are these guys talking? But the longer I was out there and the more I watched the swings of players the more I really started to see, and hear.
 
If youve ever been on a driving range at a PGA TOUR event youll agree with me when I say, the ball sounds differently coming off the face of a touring pros club. And the more youre around it the more you can hear the difference between a perfect impact and a miss-hit. Almost like the blind, but not nearly as good in all aspects of senses.
 
Theres how to get golf in the Olympics, blind judges! Points can be awarded by the sound of the ball coming off the clubface, and going into the hole. It doesnt matter that it took 15 strokes to get there, they SOUNDED GREAT!
 
The reunion of two friends of mine took place a few weeks ago and continued to do well at the PGA. David Toms and caddie Scott Gneiser are finding success together again like high school sweethearts finding each other again at the 10-year reunion party (even though it has been less than two years apart).
 
Im glad, too; its not often that guys get back together and have success. The only other team I know of is Tim Herron and Scotty Loosey Steele, who got back together and won their first reunion week in a playoff against Richard S. Johnson.
 
Usually for a caddie, seeing your old boss after getting fired (which is usually the next week) is like seeing your ex-girlfriend at a party.
 
Sure when you see them your like, Hey man! Play well this week. All with a smile on your face, but inside youre thinking: I HOPE YOU KEEP SNAP HOOKIN EVERYTHING LEFT WITH THAT DRIVER AND THREE-PUTT THE FIRST NINE HOLES YOU %$^*&@^#!
 
Thankfully, that feeling goes away much faster than the ex-girlfriend thing.
 
Michael Collins has been a stand-up comedian for 15 years and has more than seven years experience as a professional caddie. He currently covers the PGA TOUR as a correspondent with XM Satellite Radio and takes his turn on The Turn Mondays on GOLF CHANNEL. He also has his own Web site, www.funnycaddy.com
 
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