My Club My Rules

By Michael CollinsAugust 29, 2008, 4:00 pm
Im writing this listening to the Democratic National Convention and I hate politics. Despise everything about it. I even hate the term politically correct. Im not a Democrat or a Republican; I'm a Right. A what? A Right, because doing the right thing isnt politics, its just right. So Ive made some tough decisions:
Gas is not expensive yet; I'm going to make it $6.50 a gallon but I'm gonna charge oil companies $5 a gallon to put it in gas stations. Anyone who drives an SUV and has never driven in the BAJA 2000 owes everyone who doesn't drive an SUV a dollar.
Everyone who wants to send all the illegal immigrants back to Mexico has to spend two years picking vegetables for $5 an hour so a head of lettuce won't cost me $30. And everyone who ONLY plays at private country clubs in designer clothes with the newest clubs and a staff golf bag, but plays to a 15 or higher handicap, has to work for a year on a ground crew of a muni course.
Im opening a private golf club: The Goat Patch (the irony is the course is gonna be immaculate). No long pants, no golf shoes, no shirts with collars that are under 8 years old. If you show up at my club with nice pants, a brand new $180 shirt, and shiny new golf shoes, youll be escorted to the locker room where youll be given a pair of cotton gym shorts, a t-shirt with a cartoon goat on the front of it, and a pair of flip flops.
Ill let you have your new set of clubs, but if you show up with a staff bag itll be put back in the trunk of your car and an old canvas carry bag will be issued. I will have electric carts and pull carts. Monday, Wednesday and Friday beautiful girls will work at the course. Tuesday and Thursday ... male models. Saturday and Sunday male models on the front nine, female models on the back.
Im going to be open to the public on Saturday, but the rules all apply. Im going to have caddies available for all who want them ' free for members, but public has to pay $50 a round for caddie services. And the caddies are going to be dressed to kill: silk shorts, top of the line golf shirts, and new sneakers or golf shoes (whichever they prefer).
Im going to have a $5 million tournament for PGA TOUR caddies, and their player has to caddie for them. And if the player says, No Im going to go 60 Minutes on him, well roll up to them with a camera crew as they get out of that courtesy car and say, We hear you wont caddie for your caddie in the Caddie Path Open ... comments?
Uhhh, well I have a bad back, and my feet hurt.
Do your caddies feet hurt? Isnt he wearing a back brace?
No comment.
Youre probably asking what it would prove. Nothing. But think of how much fun it would be to enjoy the game. It doesnt matter what kind of clubs you hit or what brand of clothes you wear, you just need a great course in beautiful weather around friends.
Last week I heard some discouraging talk around the 18th hole before the playoff started at The Barclays.
Thank goodness its Vijay and Sergio, someone said. Really? What if it had been Kevin Sutherland and Kevin Streelman? Youre telling me that wouldnt have been great golf on a great course, too? Maybe its just me, but I love the game so much that when a couple of unsung monkey wrenches (because we all know thats what the BIG people in the BIG buildings were thinking) have the potential to battle it out for their first title, the fact that it wouldve happened in the first playoff event of 08 makes it even cooler to me.
But I love the little guy, the underdog who no one sees coming. The one who just keeps plugging along, in flip-flops, shorts, and an old t-shirt. I wonder who is going to wear flip-flops and a t-shirt this week at TPC Boston. Im wearing that outfit right now.
I REALLY like that golf tournament for caddies; I heard they had one years ago the week of the old BC Open. Ill have three flights: A players like Damon Green (Zach Johnsons caddie) and Lance Ten Broeck (Jesper Parneviks caddie); B players between 8-15 handicap; and finally my group. Well play two rounds (maybe four) at TPC Sawgrass. Maybe well just play a nice Muni nearby.
Would you watch TOUR players caddying, getting yelled at by their caddies for giving a bad read or bad yardage? Me, too.
Michael Collins has been a stand-up comedian for 15 years and has more than seven years experience as a professional caddie. He currently covers the PGA TOUR as a correspondent with XM Satellite Radio and takes his turn on The Turn Mondays on GOLF CHANNEL. He also has his own Web site,
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    Five-time Open champ Thomson passes at 88

    By Associated PressJune 20, 2018, 1:35 am

    MELBOURNE, Australia – Five-time Open Championship winner Peter Thomson has died, his family said Wednesday. He was 88.

    Thomson had been suffering from Parkinson's disease for more than four years and died at his Melbourne home surrounded by family members on Wednesday morning.

    Born on Aug, 23, 1929, Thomson was two months short of his 89th birthday.

    The first Australian to win The Open Championship, Thomson went on to secure the title five times between 1954 and 1965, a record equaled only by Tom Watson.

    On the American senior circuit he won nine times in 1985.

    Thomson also served as president of the Australian PGA for 32 years, designing and building courses in Australia and around the world, helping establish the Asian Tour and working behind the scenes for the Odyssey House drug rehabilitation organization where he was chairman for five years.

    He also wrote for newspapers and magazines for more than 60 years and was patron of the Australian Golf Writers Association.

    In 1979 he was made a Commander of the Order of the British Empire (CBE) for his service to golf and in 2001 became an Officer of the Order of Australia (AO) for his contributions as a player and administrator and for community service.

    Thomson is survived by his wife Mary, son Andrew and daughters Deirdre Baker, Pan Prendergast and Fiona Stanway, their spouses, 11 grandchildren and four great-grandchildren.

    Funeral arrangements were to be announced over the next few days.

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    By Ryan LavnerJune 19, 2018, 11:00 pm

    In a major shakeup in the women’s college golf world, USC coach Andrea Gaston has accepted an offer to become the new head coach at Texas A&M.

    Terms of the deal were not disclosed.

    Gaston, who informed her players of her decision Monday night, has been one of the most successful coaches over the past two decades, leading the Trojans to three NCAA titles and producing five NCAA individual champions during her 22-year reign. They have finished in the top 5 at nationals in an NCAA-record 13 consecutive seasons.

    This year was arguably Gaston’s most impressive coaching job. She returned last fall after undergoing treatment for uterine cancer, but a promising season was seemingly derailed after losing two stars to the pro ranks at the halfway point. Instead, she guided a team with four freshmen and a sophomore to the third seed in stroke play and a NCAA semifinals appearance. Of the four years that match play has been used in the women’s game, USC has advanced to the semifinals three times.  

    Texas A&M could use a coach with Gaston’s track record.

    Last month the Aggies fired coach Trelle McCombs after 11 seasons following a third consecutive NCAA regional exit. A&M had won conference titles as recently as 2010 (Big 10) and 2015 (SEC), but this year the team finished 13th at SECs.

    The head-coaching job at Southern Cal is one of the most sought-after in the country and will have no shortage of outside interest. If the Trojans look to promote internally, men’s assistant Justin Silverstein spent four years under Gaston and helped the team win the 2013 NCAA title.  

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    Spieth 'blacked out' after Travelers holeout

    By Will GrayJune 19, 2018, 9:44 pm

    CROMWELL, Conn. – It was perhaps the most-replayed shot (and celebration) of the year.

    Jordan Spieth’s bunker holeout to win the Travelers Championship last year in a playoff over Daniel Berger nearly broke the Internet, as fans relived that raucous chest bump between Spieth and caddie Michael Greller after Spieth threw his wedge and Greller threw his rake.

    Back in Connecticut to defend his title, Spieth admitted that he has watched replays of the scene dozens of times – even if, in the heat of the moment, he wasn’t exactly choreographing every move.

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    “Just that celebration in general, I blacked out,” Spieth said. “It drops and you just react. For me, I’ve had a few instances where I’ve been able to celebrate or react on a 72nd, 73rd hole, 74th hole, whatever it may be, and it just shows how much it means to us.”

    Spieth and Greller’s celebration was so memorable that tournament officials later shipped the rake to Greller as a keepsake. It’s a memory that still draws a smile from the defending champ, whose split-second decision to go for a chest bump over another form of celebration provided an appropriate cap to a high-energy sequence of events.

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    Pregnant Lewis playing final events before break

    By Randall MellJune 19, 2018, 9:27 pm

    Stacy Lewis will be looking to make the most of her last three starts of 2018 in her annual return to her collegiate roots this week.

    Lewis, due to give birth to her first child on Nov. 3, will tee it up in Friday’s start to the Walmart NW Arkansas Championship at Pinnacle Country Club in Rogers, Arkansas. She won the NCAA individual women’s national title in 2007 while playing at the University of Arkansas. She is planning to play the KPMG Women’s PGA Championship next week and then the Marathon Classic two weeks after that before taking the rest of the year off to get ready for her baby’s arrival.

    Lewis, 33, said she is beginning to feel the effects of being with child.

    “Things have definitely gotten harder, I would say, over the last week or so, the heat of the summer and all that,” Lewis said Tuesday. “I'm actually excited. I'm looking forward to the break and being able to decorate the baby's room and do all that kind of stuff and to be a mom - just super excited.”

    Lewis says she is managing her energy levels, but she is eager to compete.

    “Taking a few more naps and resting a little bit more,” she said. “Other than that, the game's been pretty good.”

    Lewis won the Walmart NW Arkansas Championship in 2014, and she was credited with an unofficial title in ’07, while still a senior at Arkansas. That event was reduced to 18 holes because of multiple rain delays. Lewis is a popular alumni still actively involved with the university.