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New Years Resolutions

PGA Tour (75x100) Editor's note: Michael Collins has been a stand-up comedian for 15 years and has more than seven years experience as a professional caddie. He currently covers the PGA TOUR as a correspondent with XM Satellite Radio and takes his turn on The Turn Tuesdays on GOLF CHANNEL.
Lets start with the HBIC (Head Brotha In Charge), Tiger Woods. Even if Santa Claus tried to skip his house this Christmas, Tigerd probably knock the fat man out of his moving sleigh with a 1-iron and jack all the presents for himself. And thered be nothing any of us could do about it. Then next year Santad have even more presents for the little boys on tour and the same thing would happen again. Wed still watch in awe, though.
New Years resolutions for Tiger: this year I will win all four majors, and finally shut those knuckleheads up who keep saying I will eventually be the best of all time. I AM THE BEST, so sit back and enjoy it or Ill knock Santa off his sleigh again.
Now Phil, who normally eats all the coal left by Tiger Claus (and still smiles while chewing it)gave everyone an early gift during the Playoffs (that were supposed to suck) by not only going toe-to-toe with him, but beating him! And that beating in Boston AGAIN gave everyone in the press hope for more duels like it in 08.
New Years resolutions for Phil: I will keep Tiger from winning all four majors. I will win the FedExCup. And I will throw Tim Finchem under the bus again on TV if he doesnt help me out when I ask for a little break.
Vijay Singh - 4.7 million, 2 wins, 27 events priceless. Veej battled injuries this year, some of which were never publicized. He made serious swing changes towards the end of the year, including during the Playoffs and it definitely showed with the amount of cuts he missed (11). Weve never seen Vijay like this before and a lot of people will blame his strenuous workouts.
I say bull, but here are my New Years resolutions for Vijay: I will only play 22 events this year. I will take more time off this year than I ever have. I will still work out as hard as ever. But I am going to find out if time off means more wins and a healthier FUTURE. This resolution is only for one year cause if it doesnt work Im playing in at least 30 events in 09 after I beat the hell out of the guy who wrote this.
Ernie Els spent the year being told he came back too early and was playing hurt. Fifteen cuts made out of 16 events and 10 top-10s. Ho, Ho, Ho!! yelled Ernie as Santas sleigh runners ran over the media idiots necks. No one is used to seeing Ernie 20th on the money list and I dont know one person who thinks he wont get a win next year. Even with your own private jet ' and it is a SWEET jet ' all that world travel has got to get a little old. So Ernies resolutions go like this: This year Im going to play 20 events here in the U.S., but Im only going to play six overseas (not including The Open). Im going to contend for the FedExCup and get back in the top 5 on the money list. Then Im going back to my normal schedule in 09 and NO ONE WILL QUESTION ME ABOUT IT!!
John Daly, everything that could go wrong Murphys Law didnt just hit him, it smacked him. Bad bounces, pictures flash causes injury, food poisoning, even a beat down from your spouse! Maybe you should ask Santa for a room with peace in it. Through it all, we the fans, still forgive you, love you and believe in you. Heres my New Years resolutions for you, John Daly: This year I will forgive myself for all of my past. I will love myself for who I am in the morning. And I will keep the people around me who dont tell me what I want to hear or whats best for them, but tell me whats best for me. Oh, and Ill win again because I can.
Rory Sabbatini Santas coming and hes got a new sleigh. When he stops at Rorys house, Rory goes up on the roof and says, The old sleigh was better. All the reindeer gasp in front of Santa. But when they get back to the North Pole they ALL call Rory and say, Man, thats what I wanted to say. Santa still leaves Rory some very nice gifts and even puts some of the old stuff on the new sleigh. Theres no moral to that story; it just seems to fit. Sabo is now the 11th-ranked player in the world and will be in the top 10 next year.
My New Years resolutions for Rory: I will keep on saying how I feel even when the truth hurts. Because if I have spinach in my teeth when Im talking to you, TELL ME. I will respect you and consider you a friend. Turn it around. If I didnt tell you, what would that make me? Some people dont appreciate my attitude HAHAHA! My wife, kids, and friends love me, and some guy named Mike Collins. Do I really need your approval?
My Holiday Wishes for the Fans (of which I am a part, too)! I wish for MORE of what happened in 07. More Cinderella stories: Paul Goydos winning Sony, Fred Funk at 50 winning Mayakoba, Brian Bateman winning the Buick. I want more young bucks coming out with no fear to win for the first time: Charley Hoffman, Boo Weekly, Nick Watney, Hunter Mahan, Joe Oglivie and Brandt Snedeker. I wish for even more comeback stories. Not just like Steve Stricker, who, by the way, won Comeback Player of the Year TWO YEARS IN A ROW! And NO ONE can argue it as wrong. But I wish for more stuff like Rocco finishing second at Bay Hill AFTER deciding to be broadcaster cause his back was so bad.
And my personal favorite, not just because I was there calling it shot-for-shot but ' OK maybe a little bit because of that ' but mostly because of the electricity in the air from the crowd. Jay Williamson didnt win the Travelers Championship but the rollercoaster ride he and Hunter Mahan went on during the back nine on Sunday and then in the playoff was legendary. Jay walked over to me between 15 and 16 and said, Isnt this guy gonna miss ONE shot?! And I said to him, Just keep those little legs kicking! He smiled because earlier in the week he said he felt like a baby duck paddling upstream. And wouldnt you know it, Hunter missed a couple shots coming in and Jay almost won in a playoff. And as the tears came down his wifes face, not from disappointment but from pride for the fight in her husband, I realized that I had just seen Rocky 1 on the golf course. I dont know how many people saw it or heard it, but those who did appreciated it. I wish for more of that for all of us because sometimes its the guys you didnt know who end up showing you something the big names never could ' Getting up after failure.
My New Years resolutions: I will be true to you, the fans. I will not puff my chest out and pretend to know all the answers. I will apologize when I am wrong, and I will not get too high on myself when I am right. I will try my best to bring you a little piece of the TOUR that no one else will, from a perspective that no one else has. I will try to make you laugh and try not to make you cry, even though thats OK sometimes. I will tell you as much as I can without hurting anyone, because youd want me to do the same for you if it was your life I was writing about. And if you have questions, ask and I will tell you what I know. Im new at this writing thing so my resolution is to get better at it every week next year.
Have a wonderful and blessed holiday season.
See ya in Maui. Please keep hands and feet inside at all times ITS GONNA BE A RIDE!
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