AUGUSTA, Ga. – Not long after Phil Mickelson finished a second-round 73 that led to a missed cut at the Masters for the second time in his career, he received a phone call.
The voice on the other end was a familiar foe.
Through underhanded and illicit means, GolfChannel.com was able to obtain a transcript of Friday’s phone conversation between Mickelson and Tiger Woods.
This is what they said.
Tiger: [laughing] Dude! That … was … hilarious!
Phil: Whatever, man. At least I showed up. How’s that backache of yours?
Tiger: It’s killing me, because I’ve been laughing all afternoon. You know, I saw you playing today. And I’ve got to tell you, you spend more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff!
Phil: Oh, come on. That joke’s older than your winless streak here at Augusta.
Tiger: Hey, I might sit out a few more years just to see if you can ever catch me.
Phil: That’s right, I forgot you have four jackets. When was that last one, like, three swing changes ago?
Tiger: Yeah, right around the time I was winning a bunch of U.S. Opens. How many of those do you have again?
Phil: I told you: No U.S. Open jokes. That’s off limits, man.
Phil: Seriously. Stop it.
Tiger: OK, fine. But let me ask you: What goes left and will never be right?
Tiger: Your last drive at Winged Foot! Boom! Roasted!
Phil: Funny, didn’t see you on the weekend there, MC Hammer.
Tiger: That’s tough talk for a guy who had more triples this week than Sam Crawford.
Tiger: He’s the all-time major-league leader in triples. I had time to Google it while you were working on Bones’ rake game.
Phil: Thanks for watching. You know I love my fans.
Tiger: You’re welcome, Phil Tripleson.
Phil: You can’t spell Tiger Woods without WD.
Tiger: Have you ever thought about playing righty?
Phil: Have you ever thought about playing, period?
Tiger: I’m hurt. But don’t worry, I’ll be back soon. Just gotta hit the gym a little. You know what that is, right? G-Y-M. It’s a place where people work out.
Phil: Oh, you work out? I couldn’t tell in those extra-smedium shirts of yours.
Tiger: So it’s my fault I don’t mainline Krispy Kremes each morning?
Phil: I’m just saying, you played a lot better when you ate a cheeseburger once in a while. Maybe they help prevent back injuries …
Tiger: And maybe I’ll be back in time for Pinehurst. Beat you in the final pairing, then congratulate you on another runner-up.
Phil: Pinehurst? What, are they having the 2022 Open there or something? I know you’re not talking about the one that starts 62 days from now.
Tiger: Counting the days, huh? Well, guess you can’t have a big letdown without big expectations.
Phil: Don’t worry. When I win, I’m going to use part of my prize money to buy you the biggest TV they make, so you can watch me at the last two majors, too.
Tiger: Don’t bother. I can buy one with the same credit card I tried to slip under your so-called leap back in ’04.
Phil: Sorry I’m not creative enough to pump my fist.
Tiger: Thumbs up, big fella.
Phil: Arnie did the thumbs-up, too.
Tiger: Yeah? He also won four jackets. Guess you can’t copy everything he did.
Phil: Hey, Fred Couples called. He wants his body back.
Tiger: You do a lot of chirping for an old guy.
Phil: I’m 43, but I feel 38. You’re 38, but I bet you feel 43. Or 73.
Tiger: That number stuck in your head for some reason?
Phil: You’ll never believe this. I hit one into the creek on 15 yesterday, then took a drop – exactly where I was supposed to! It was the craziest thing.
Tiger: Was that the double or one of the triples? I can’t keep track of all those big numbers.
Phil: Oh, is math harder with a backache?
Tiger: I had surgery, dude. When I WD, it’s because I’m actually injured.
Phil: I’d rather MC than WD.
Tiger: You would know.
Phil: Hey, I’ve gotta run. Gonna sign a bunch of autographs. You know what those are, right?
Tiger: Yeah, that’s how I endorse all of my big paychecks.
Phil: They won’t pay you if you don’t play.
Tiger: Soon enough. Speaking of that, you doing anything this weekend? Wanna come over and laugh at these dudes trying to win a jacket?
Phil: Sure. I’ll bring the Krispy Kremes.